Estimated read time: 5-6 minutes
This archived news story is available only for your personal, non-commercial use. Information in the story may be outdated or superseded by additional information. Reading or replaying the story in its archived form does not constitute a republication of the story.
SALT LAKE CITY — In my church, the line is drawn very clearly considering who is the parent who works and pays the bills for the household, and who is the parent who stays home and takes care of the kids.
Dads, husbands, and male parents in general are supposed to win the bread. The moms, wives, the female parents are the bread makers – but more accurately in our modern society, the bread buyers.
In my home, I am the bread maker/buyer — as long as banana, zucchini or some sort of non-yeasty, much-surgery bread counts.
What I mean to say is that my wife makes more money than I do. And if there is a distinction to be made as to who is the stay-at-home and who is the go-to-work it is this: I stay at home and my wife punches the clock.
Many find this arrangement of husband working and wife staying at home satisfactory — or more than satisfactory — and I certainly do not begrudge them their choice. This arrangement, however, is not what my wife and I want for our family.
Many find this arrangement of husband working and wife staying at home satisfactory — or more than satisfactory — and I certainly do not begrudge them their choice. This arrangement, however, is not what my wife and I want for our family.
There is a bit of tension that neither of us has yet acknowledged during church meetings when this subject is brought up. I sit straight and still, and pay hyper attention to the speaker, gently nodding in agreement — because I do agree. If I could change things, I would, and will, at the drop of a hat.
My wife looks down at her folded hands and takes a breath. Then she holds her head up high to show that she is doing nothing wrong. She isn't, not by any standard.
We sit firmly for a few minutes until the moment passes and the speaker moves on to the next on his list to help us to raise a strong family with fewer casualties.
Later in the afternoon after the meeting, my wife will bring it up. It will happen sometime after our nap but before dinner. She will say something about our work schedules and ask me to promise her that the arrangement is only temporary, that someday I will make more money than she and let her be the one to buy the bread and be with the kids. I promise her, and then I hug her a little too tightly.
As hard as she prays that it will happen, I pray harder.
I think through the plan quite a bit: "My success plan." It's the same plan I have had for the last several years, but I am only slightly closer to achieving it than I was several years ago. I have got to change my plan.
#bread_poll
There are two options for me as I see it:
A. Husband makes more money so wife can terminate outside employment or work less.
B. Family gets by on less, which may include lowering standard.
Though I do believe that we could be a bit more frugal in our approach, there are some things that we can't be without.
For example, in our immediate family we have someone who has started her own family without the benefit of an established infrastructure — such as a permanent address, a vehicle or a method of income.
As the self-professed Prodigal Dad — or Prodigal Grandpa in this case — I have a responsibility at this point. The child needs care. If my wife and I do not contribute, the child may go without — and I mean, way without. This is not acceptable to us. It is an expenditure we cannot delete.
My son plays football. With all we spend, this has put us back thousands of dollars. But telling him "Sorry, we can't afford it" is not acceptable to me.
How about straight teeth? Air conditioning? As providers, we say, yes. These will be available to our children and grandchildren.
So going without may need to be relegated to turning off the lights when we leave the room, or using a towel more than once before throwing in the laundry. Savings from these actions will add up to pennies, not another paycheck.
Which brings me back to my question: How do I get my wife home? And if that is not the question, then what is?
A good friend told me that if my beliefs bring us that much ache then we should change our beliefs. However, my beliefs have never been something I adopted or discarded because of ease of commitment. I can't suddenly say that I must have been wrong for believing the way I do for my family because I can't keep up.
How do I make a positive contribution to the world of art and literature and pay my family’s bills at the same time? And there is the question.
Ah, time for Prodigal Dad to put up or shut up. And maybe a tough decision today may help make up for poor past decisions.
So, I will go by my gut feeling and take positive action — which will require me to use my time more effectively than ever before.
Having my wife home will be worth it.
---
Main photo: Picking up extra income for the family the old fashioned way: help wanted ads. (Photo: Thomas Ludwig, DCheneyStudio)
*
Davison writes about things he is familiar with: things like raising children, taking children to therapy, bailing children out of trouble, and trying not to beat up parents of other children when they yell at his children for not getting the basketball to their children. Read more from Davison at davisoncheneymegadad.blogspot.com.*
