Estimated read time: 2-3 minutes
THE HAMMOCK DISTRICT — Good morning, soldiers.
Well, I'm writing this in the morning. Maybe you're reading it in the afternoon or evening. Maybe you're reading it years in the future after the bear-man conflict is all said and done. If any of these scenarios is the case then, good morning, good afternoon, good evening and congratulations on the victory, humans. Or — I pray this isn't the case — maybe it's more appropriate to say, "Good tidings, bear overlords."
Unless anyone has forgotten, be aware, the Bearpocalypse is still impending. This latest video is just a ploy to catch you off guard.
One of bearkind's most tried and true psychological warfare tactics is to lull us into a state of vulnerability and assume bears are cute and adorable. It's been happening since the beginning of the conflict.
They managed to get their paws into the toy manufacturing market and created teddy bears. Don't believe this Teddy Roosevelt stuff. Bears made soft, cuddly toys for kids in the shape of themselves to train us as children to not fear them. That way, when we're adults, we will assume they're cute and cuddly. Hence the classic children's stories with lovable Ursidae like Yogi Bear, Paddington Bear, Winnie the Pooh and the Care Bears.
This video is just another way to trick us into thinking these animals are cute and cuddly creatures we should invite inside, maybe enjoy a hot cup of cocoa with, and snuggle up on the couch to watch "Tale Spin." Don't buy into it.
Sure, watching these fluffy bear cubs struggle on that hammock makes your eyes go big, and an uncontrollable urge to grab one and bury your face in its fur surges through your body as your mind turns off. You don't care about the mauling as long as you get at least a quick cuddle with that floofy ball of softness — but you must resist!
Remember: We are at war. The bears want you to look at this video and turn to mush, but you know better. Stay strong. Be vigilant. We are humans and we will be victorious.