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SALT LAKE CITY — In this edition of LIFEadvice, Coach Kim explains how our subconscious rules create resentment in our relationships.
Question:
My spouse and I are constantly disappointed and frustrated with each other. It seems like there is resentment and frustration brewing under the surface all the time. We have had so many fights over the years that I wonder if we can really forgive and forget it all and get past feeling bothered with each other. Is it possible to do that? Any suggestions?
Answer:
Yes, it is possible to change the way you see all those fights and the current struggles, which could completely change the way you feel about your relationship, but it will take some work and willingness to change. Disappointment is the worst poison that can destroy relationships from the inside out. Here is another KSL article I wrote on the topic of disappointment.
The disappointments in your relationship can be created by expectations you have about your partner and their behavior. Many of these expectations can actually be subconscious, which means neither of you are aware of them. You could have unwritten rules in your programming, which might be setting your spouse up to fail because they are violating rules neither of you knew existed ahead of time. This can create growing disappointment and resentment and you may not even know why.
You might have complaints, which start the fights. But you might find at times your frustration level is out of proportion to the crime and driven more by emotion than logic. Sometimes the emotion even comes up without a reason to justify it. You might feel bothered with your spouse, but not even know why.
Then your conscious mind, trying to make sense of this, kicks in and confabulates a justification story that explains your feelings. You might find yourself constantly on the lookout for bad behavior from your spouse to justify your frustrated feelings. All of this discontent may actually be coming from some unwritten rules and expectations.
We believe you got these rules because of what you saw, heard or experienced in your childhood and adult life taught you something and created a rule about your world and the people in it. You might have made rules about how to get love and attention, how you fit in, where you belong, how people should treat you, how to handle yourself, and how to feel safe in the world.
Though these rules might have made sense to your child brain, many of them can be faulty, inaccurate and even damaging. But these subconscious rules could be driving some of your behavior today.
Here are a few common unwritten rules that most of us have learned and how you can change them.
1. If you love me, you will do what I want.
Your parents might have taught you this rule very early on if they rewarded you when you did what they wanted and punished you when you didn’t. Some parents make it very clear if you love them, you obey them and be what they want you to be. This works in early parent/child relationships, but for adults in a marriage, it can cause problems.
Both of you might have specific ideas about how a partner should treat you. What are some of the things your spouse does or doesn’t do which bother you and make you feel unloved? Are these expectations fair, accurate or reasonable? Does your partner’s behavior really measure his/her love for you?
The truth is we all are very different. We have different core values and fears, needs, strengths, and weaknesses. Many of your expectations could be based on what you need, how you behave, and what you value — but it is not fair to expect your spouse to be just like you.
Try to understand the ways you and your partner are different from each other. Learn what you each value most and fear most — what we believe are the two biggest drivers of behavior. If you want the relationship to be healthy, you both must have room to be who you are.
Of course you are going to try to make your spouse happy and love them the way they want to be loved. But you also have to allow them to be different from you — without being wrong. We recommend you adopt the following rule instead:
New Rule: If I love you, I will allow you to be you. ----------------------------------------------------
“Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with everything they have.” — Unknown
2. Be what others want you to be to get love
Early on in life, you might have experienced having friends or siblings who wanted you to play their game or they wouldn’t be your friend. You probably played the game their way because you didn’t want to be rejected.
You might have learned to mold yourself to what others wanted you to be to get their approval. This can create a life of pretending to be someone you aren’t and sacrificing yourself for a feeling of security.
You may, even now, feel safe as long as others are happy with you — but this gets old and tiring after a while and the real you starts to come out. When this happens, the other person can be shocked and think you've changed. You haven’t changed — you are just finally being you. This "new you" might be a disappointment to your spouse and can also be a cause of subconscious resentment.
New Rule: Be the best version of yourself and ask to be allowed to be you. --------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spend the time to figure out who you really are. You probably need more self-care, to start saying how you really feel, and some time to do what makes you happy. A healthy relationship includes giving and taking, serving others and serving self, both in equal measure.
3. Get angry or sad to get what you want.
As a child, you might have learned that when you insisted, pushed, yelled or threw a fit, people folded and gave you what you wanted.
If throwing a fit didn’t work, you might have learned to play the self-pity, sympathy card. You might sulk, get quiet, get depressed and sad, or adopt a victim story as a way to get love and reassurance. These subconscious games happen in a lot of relationships and they cause damage and resentment over time. Your job is to recognize immature ways to get love and learn new skills to show up loving instead.
New Rule: The best way to get love is to be loving. ---------------------------------------------------
We hope these suggestions help you get started to eliminate the resentment. If you both are willing to look at yourselves, make some changes and commit to seeing your past as your perfect classroom, you can move forward with more love. Just don't expect the relationship to change if you both aren’t willing to.
You can do this.
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