Social groups provide an 'out' for parents

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SALT LAKE CITY — Adults who are struggling with the stresses of everyday life may find a much-needed break by joining social groups and surrounding themselves with other adults.

According to marriage counselor Geoff Steurer, people are hardwired from birth to seek acceptance, belonging, comfort and safety – the ABCs of secure connection – from others.

“We begin in family groups and thrive best when we're connected to others,” he said.

As adults, it is difficult to rely solely on one person for the connection that we are seeking. However, there are safe ways of seeking out that connection with social groups.

Social connection lowers our risk of depression, anxiety and illness. There are so many benefits to group participation.

–Geoff Steurer, marriage counselor

“Once we leave our family group, regardless of whether we start our own family, we still benefit from being a part of a group,” Steurer said. “Social connection lowers our risk of depression, anxiety and illness. There are so many benefits to group participation.”

Rebecca Kohler learned firsthand how easy it was to start and be part of a social group when she began a book club in West Valley City 11 years ago. At the time, Kohler had three small children and was looking for friends to connect with outside of the time she spent with her children.

“I wanted other women that I could get together with and have an ‘out,’” she said.

She called a friend who lived in South Jordan, and together they started a book club.

“The first time we met, there were maybe seven of us,” she said. “Eventually it grew to 12 or 13 members and we had to cap it off and have a waiting list. We felt that was a comfortable size to have a discussion and feel like everyone could be involved without taking too long.”

Kohler said the book club is still going strong even after she moved to St. George. Once she settled in southern Utah, she tried to start another book club, but it dissolved quickly.

“That one wasn’t as successful,” she said. “We had one or two personalities that dominated the group and not everyone felt as comfortable. You want positive interaction with people you can relate to, and that wasn’t happening for most of the women.”

Kohler now belongs to another book club that she attends monthly. In addition to that group, once a month she also attends a Learning Circle, a program offered by an online mothers community, that she helped start.

“I was reading a book and I was led to this Power of Moms website,” Kohler said. “I saw that one of the co-founders was in St. George, so I contacted her and we went to dinner.”

Kohler said together they formed a group of moms who discuss articles available on the Power of Moms website or articles they find online. She said some of the best articles came from the Wall Street Journal, such as “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior.”

“What we’ve enjoyed most is coming up with articles that we find,” she said. “Those are the discussions that we all seem to enjoy more. We come up with things and talk about them and take what we like (home to implement).”

According to Steurer, social groups provide some of the interactions adults are currently lacking. He said isolation from other adults is a punishment for humans.

People have used isolation for centuries to punish others: POWs, excommunication, exile, even timeouts for children.

–Geoff Steurer, marriage counselor

“People have used isolation for centuries to punish others: POWs, excommunication, exile, even timeouts for children,” he said. “Whenever we get separated from a group, we begin to experience distress and attempts are made to regain connection.”

Kohler suggested starting a social group with a few friends and watching it grow. She said many people have the idea to begin a group but are worried no one will attend.

“Be patient,” she suggested. “With a small group of moms, there’s plenty to say. I didn’t fret over the fact that we only had six (members in the beginning). And it just grew. But even if it hadn’t, we’d still be enjoying our discussion with just six moms.”

Kohler also suggested having one person in charge of the membership list who can send out email remainders the day of or the day before the group meets. She said it helps to hold the meetings at the same time each month, as members are more likely to remember to attend. She also said most of the groups she is in have a rule that if a member misses more than three meetings in a row, her spot is now open to someone on the waiting list.

In running a book club, she suggested members take turns hosting, and each host can offer two options for the next book that the group can vote on.

“There’s this pressure that if they don’t end up liking the book, you feel a little bit lame,” she said. “So if everyone has choices and make the decision together, it takes pressure off that one individual.”

Kohler said that the fear of rejection keeps many people from starting a group, but she has found that there are usually others out there waiting for someone to get it started.

Jen Watkins-Austin is a reporter and investigative journalist for The Post Register in Idaho Falls, Idaho, as well as the director of Internet Marketing and SEO strategist for a Utah law firm. She was also the founder and editor-in-chief of St. George News in southern Utah.