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SALT LAKE CITY — If you are a parent of young children, you know the nightly battle of bedtime and the big emotions it can create.
If you are frustrated with the neverending pleas of "Can I just tell you one more thing?" and the constant begging for more stories, you may want to consider determining the root cause of your child's reluctance to going to bed.
Some of these root causes include children not wanting to be alone, bedtime being set too early or too late, parents' impatience causing their children to feel insecure and want more attention, being afraid, being overstimulated before bed — specifically by the blue light that emits from screens — and having FOMO, or "fear of missing out," according to an article published by Slumber Yard, a company that provides sleep product reviews and advocates for healthy sleep patterns.
Dr. Melissa Maloney, a Primary Children's Hospital physician who specializes in pediatric pulmonology, said a big reason toddlers have a hard time going to bed is that they are creatures of habit, and if they got used to parents rocking them to sleep as infants or staying by their side until they fell asleep, they will want that as they grow older.
Maloney also mentioned that toddlers are developing their personalities and gaining independence and have complex wants and needs, which can mean them wanting to express that they don't want to go to bed and using stalling efforts, like asking for one more drink of water.
"I think toddlers are really clued into their parents' cues and are probably better at reading us than we're aware of," Maloney said. "I would say that any attention that we give our children at bedtime or after bedtime, whether it's positive attention or negative attention, can also reinforce whatever negative bedtime behavior or attention-seeking behavior we are trying to curtail."
Utah mom Kim Garrett said her son, Jude, struggles with sleep apnea and has a history of coming out of his room in the middle of the night. Garrett said she's noticed she has much more success with Jude falling back asleep if she gives him a moment to connect with her before calmly tucking him in bed rather, than getting angry and stressing over it.
"There were some nights where we would get so angry like, 'Jude, stay in your bed,' and be so mad at him almost," Garrett said. "And I feel like the last year probably, I've been like, 'You know what, he's just a kid, he's just learning.' And some days he really is very excited to talk to me about chicken nuggets and fries tomorrow. There's just some times you have to let a kid be a kid and not get so stressed about 'stay in your bed.'"
Maloney said some of the reasons kids resist bedtime include separation anxiety, fears of the dark, being alone and not being the object of affection, wanting to stay up to see what their older siblings or parents are doing, and wanting to continue the activity they were involved in before bedtime.
Same time, same place
One aspect of bedtime that the article, doctor and mother agree on is having a bedtime routine.
"I think we need to remember that toddlers are really creatures of habit," Maloney said. "They thrive in the consistency in their nighttime routine, and so setting a child up for success is largely, it starts with the bedtime routine. So, changing the environment before bedtime can be really helpful, like turning off screens two hours before bed, dimming all the lights in the home about one hour before bed, and trying to change the environment to be more peaceful and conducive to sleep — so, starting to talk in a lower voice."
Garrett said consistency is her No. 1 bedtime tip.
When they are consistent about giving Jude 30 minutes of time to wind down, taking him to the bathroom every night before bed, using positive reinforcement, such as rewarding him with tablet time if he stays in his bed, and having him listen to music as he falls asleep, their nights go much more smoothly. If they aren't strict with their bedtime routine, he'll be more likely to get out of bed at 3 a.m.
The Garretts' bedtime routine has also paid off with their 2-year-old, Nora, because she has watched her older brother do it and now feels like a big girl that she gets to join in on the steps.
Devoting 30 minutes before bedtime to showering your toddler with lots of attention and positive energy is also important, Maloney said. This can include giving them a warm bath, changing them into jammies and reading books, and singing lullabies together in their room.
She also suggested offering the child choices at bedtime, such as "Which jammies do you want to wear?" and "Which book should we read?" to help them be more cooperative at bedtime.
"Once it is time for bed, the parent should give the child a hug and a kiss, tell them they love them and leave the room and allow the child to fall asleep on their own," Maloney said.
Keeping a sleep diary for several weeks provides a record of the child's activities during the hours before bedtime and how they might correlate with how long it took them to get to sleep, the Slumber Yard article states. It also suggests avoiding screens at least an hour before bedtime, creating a relaxed, sleep-inducing environment in the child's bedroom — with soft colors, a comfortable mattress and comfortable blankets. Also, parents should understand their own limits before bedtime requests from kids come, and be kind and understanding but also firm with bedtime expectations, the article states.
Afraid of the dark
An age-old excuse parents often hear is that their child is afraid at bedtime. Whether they are afraid of the dark or afraid of the monster under the bed, the article's authors state that it is important to determine whether it's a genuine fear, or if the child is just being stubborn.
Slumber Yard reports that children younger than 3 haven't necessarily developed their imaginations enough to have fears. That can quickly be ruled out when a parent simply asks. If a child does have an actual fear, it's perfectly OK to help them by providing them with a night light or whatever it is they need to feel better.
Maloney said it's hard to determine whether a child's fear is real or if it's stubbornness, but, she said, it's important to acknowledge those fears as real and comfort the child, within reason. She said parents can help alleviate fears by making the child's room a positive place to be, whether that's adding a night light, reading stories and spending time in their room together, or giving them a stuffed animal or a blanket that provides comfort.
I think we need to remember that toddlers are really creatures of habit.
–Dr. Melissa Maloney, pediatric pulmonologist
When a child does get out of bed repeatedly, Maloney suggests that parents remain firm and keep interactions short and neutral. One thing parents can do, she said, is use a short phrase like "it's time to go to bed," in a calm voice, and then direct them back to their bedroom and their bed.
It's OK to let a child cry as long as you know they are safe, Maloney said.
As far as scheduling bedtime, every child is different. Some toddlers need nine hours of sleep each day, while others need 16, the doctor said, adding that, generally, 11 to 14 hours is common, and that includes daytime naps. Maloney said between 7 and 9 p.m. is generally a good bedtime for toddlers and suggested not letting a toddler nap for more than two hours during the day. If the child naps too late in the day, it could interfere with bedtime.
