SALT LAKE CITY — One concern during this pandemic and the subsequent stay-at-home directives is the inevitable conflict that being cooped up together for long periods of time can create.

Too much time and close quarters with anyone, even people we love, will result in getting on each other’s nerves. It will help if we understand why these conflicts start, what they are really about, and how to navigate out of them and preserve our relationships.

First: It's important to distinguish domestic violence from run-of-the-mill conflict. Officials in some areas have seen an uptick in domestic violence because many businesses are closed, so more families are home now and are facing uncertainty and stress. There are many resources available if you experience abuse or violence in your home. The Utah Domestic Violence Coalition and the National Domestic Violence Hotline along with others online, are here to help.

Next: I want to address why the most common conflicts at home happen and how you can curtail them. When a conflict between two people happens, it usually starts because someone feels offended, either diminished or disregarded in some way, and this triggers their two core fears.

The two core fears, which I believe create all bad human behavior, are:

• The fear of failure (that I might not be good enough)
• the fear of loss (that I might be mistreated or lose something)

I have found that we all suffer from both these fears to some degree every day. But I've noticed each person also has one of these two core fears that is their primary bad behavior trigger. If a person ever behaves badly or starts a fight, it is usually their same core fear that has been triggered. I call this your dominant core fear.

It is helpful to understand each family member’s dominant fear so you can avoid triggering it and understand what’s really happening when they get upset. See if you can tell which sounds like you.

A fear-of-failure dominant person:

• Often feels diminished, insulted, put down, criticized, or attacked
• Is insecure and worries about what others think of them
• Needs lots of validation and/or attention to feel safe in the world
• Sees the world through "failure glasses," meaning they see personal attack, failure or criticism everywhere
• Tends to be a people pleaser and struggles to speak their truth, enforce boundaries and say no
• Is afraid of not being loved

A fear-of-loss dominant person:

• Often feels mistreated, disregarded, taken from, lacking or deprived
• Is probably controlling at times, as they need everything done “right” to feel safe in the world
• Is pickier and wants things done their way
• Sees the world through "mistreatment glasses," which means they see mistreatment everywhere
• Tends to be the one that gets offended first and starts conflicts because they aren't happy and aren't afraid to voice that

Can you tell which sounds more like you? Your spouse? Each of your kids? We usually marry someone who has the opposite fear we have — apparently, opposites do attract. Which means we may marry the person who will be the best teacher for us. They teach us by triggering our fears (pushing our buttons) and bringing them to the surface so we can work on them.

Conflicting fears

Imagine if Dad were fear-of-loss dominant and Mom were fear-of-failure dominant. Dad could start to feel neglected because he felt that all mom’s attention was on the children and their needs. He could start to feel mistreated or that he lacks what he needs. Because he is fear-of-loss dominant, he would probably speak up and let her know that he’s bothered.

Mom, because she is fear-of-failure dominant, could immediately see this feedback as criticism and even attack. She would be really hurt and upset that he couldn’t see how hard she tried to make everyone happy. In this insulted state, Mom wouldn’t feel safe with Dad. So, she might pull back and want to spend even less time with him. This would only trigger more fear of loss in Dad and possibly more criticism from him, which would further trigger her. Can you see how this vicious cycle could happen?

This would create a miserable stay at home experience.

How to break the cycle

The trick to breaking this cycle is to recognize that when someone is upset, one or both of their fears has been triggered. The problem isn’t really about you; it is about their own fear issues and their need for something to make them feel safer. Knowing this can be a game-changer. Suddenly, you can see bad behavior and attacks as signs that the person is scared. They are not just a jerk or being mean. Remember, it is often people who are hurting who hurt other people. When you can understand that they don't feel safe in the world (and this is a problem they had long before this situation happened, so they own it) you won't take things as personally and you can respond with what they actually need.

If Mom could recognize that Dad’s being upset was not about her not being good enough, but about his fear of lack and loss, she could choose to not get offended by it. This is hard and will take some practice, but you can get this mature and not let attacks hurt you. Mom might say, "Honey, what do you feel you are lacking or losing here? What has you feeling unsafe in the world? Tell me how that feels? What can I do to help you feel more secure or loved?”

Being able to avoid getting triggered when someone else is upset with you is hard, though. It requires mindfulness, maturity and practice. It helps if you keep reminding yourself of these two things:

1. Even when someone is mad at me, it doesn’t change or diminish my value at all. I still have the same value as every other human, and this is just a chance to practice trusting that no mistake or feedback can make me fail or be not enough.
2. Even when I feel lacking, loss, deprivation or mistreatment, I am actually safe and this is my perfect classroom journey today. I am safe, loved and lovable in this, and I am lacking nothing that I should be getting. What is, is the perfect thing to help me grow right now.

These two simple beliefs are the secret to not getting your fear triggered. I try to walk around all day every day with these two thoughts in my mind. If any conflict happens, I quickly remind myself of these two things and they make me feel safe. I no longer need the other person to fix my sense of unsafety. I can do that myself.

When you are bothered with someone’s behavior and want to speak up for yourself about it, just remember you are not better or more perfect than they are. You both have the same value and you both make mistakes.

Do not talk down to others. See them as equal and talk to them with love and respect. Try to use "I" statements, not "you" statements. "You are making me feel unloved" is an attack; "I am feeling unloved" is the truth.

Talk about your fear issues and feelings, and ask if the other person might be willing to help you by changing some behavior moving forward. Focus totally on the future behavior you want to see, not past behavior that they cannot change.

I realize being this mature and wise is hard, especially when we are all functioning with a terrible fear of loss right now because of the pandemic. But this situation is going to give us some wonderful chances to grow and be better. Be patient with yourself and just keep trying.

You can do this.

Last week's LIFEadvice:

Coach Kim: Is fear making people selfish?

In this edition of LIFEadvice, Coach Kim explains the psychology behind toilet paper hoarding.

Author’s note: Master Coach Kimberly Giles is offering a free Zoom call for any who are struggling during this quarantine time or want to spend it doing some personal development. Join her Monday nights at 7p.m. MDT at https://zoom.us/meeting/8187971392, or call #253-215-8782. She will be offering this FREE Coach Kim Clarity Call each week until we are past this challenging time.

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