10 things you should know about your mate

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SALT LAKE CITY — Whether you've just started dating someone or you are already married, there is always so much to learn about another person.

There are many important things you should know about your mate or potential mate, and it's best to find out earlier in a relationship rather than later. Although it can seem like a daunting task to find out the details of a person and his or her life, it will help you prepare and make decisions for the future. Here are 10 of some of the most important things to know about your spouse or significant other.

1.What interests does he have, and do you share any of them? Don't go into a marriage bored. Find activities and topics you both find interesting. Also, find out if he is willing to try new things. And a tip: Find activities for every financial climate. When you have some money, what do you do? Do you enjoy the same movies, or the same types of restaurants and atmospheres? When you don't have money, what do you do? Games, hikes, cooking at home? Don't wait until you are married to discover that you aren't comfortable in the places where they like to hang out.

Another important question: Can you be friends with your mate? In "Preparation for Dating: A Quick Checklist," Victor W. Harris wrote, "Researchers have found that dating relationships that tend to last and lead to marriage are based on the development of friendships with common values and interests." Harris goes on to suggest that daters take stock of their own dating and friendship-making skills. Make sure you are a participant in your marriage and friendship.

2.What kind of relationships does she have with her family? Knowing about your spouse's family is knowing your spouse at a basic level. According to a report by familyfacts.org, "Youths who experience higher levels of parental involvement and a closer relationship with their parents are less likely to exhibit behavioral problems and to engage in risk behaviors." Patterns and behaviors set in childhood continue into adulthood, so find out about your significant other's childhood and family life. Was there anything hazardous, such as abuse, in the home? How does she treat her parents, and vice versa? Does her family make an effort to be social with your family? The answers to these questions will give you an idea of how your spouse will interact with you in a family setting and give insight to any problems she may have. Knowing these things will also clue you in to the type of household she may create.

3.What are his religious views? Save yourself from what could be a huge fight later on and find out about what he believes early on. Here are some questions you may not have thought to discuss:

If either of you don't go to a particular church, do you believe in a supreme being? If so, who or what kind?
Do you want your children baptized?
How do you feel about using church leaders for counseling?
What if your children want to attend another church or not attend at all?
How do you feel about religious schools?
Do you believe in any religious texts?
What will you teach your children about Christmas, Easter, Hanukkah and other religious holidays?

4.What are her political views? For many this is a taboo topic. But it's important to know how your partner feels about current and past political topics. Does she take an interest in her community and the country? Will she talk to you about it? Here are a few basic questions or points to cover for both of you:

Are you a member of or do you generally agree with a particular party?
What do you consider to be the most important political topics in the news right now?

Also consider taxes, war, national debt, international relations, government leaders, schools, crime, and marriage and family law, including but not limited to same-sex marriage, abortion, divorce, etc.

5.What are his attitudes toward addiction? This is a hard subject. Whether or not you are married or are still in the dating phase, finding out that your partner has an addiction can cause you a lot of pain. Thankfully, there are many counseling programs available for both the addicts and their spouses, but the road to recovery is hard. Addictions include but are not limited to alcohol, abuse of other substances and drugs, pornography and other sexual addictions, gambling, shopping, and eating disorders. If you think or know that your partner has an addiction, educate yourself on recovery options and the facts of that addiction. What are the statistics for recovery? In general, how often do regressions happen? What are the effects of the addiction on those around the addict? Also, when it comes to addictions, you have to keep your eyes open and not ignore signs or warnings. According to lifestarnetwork.com, "Secrets are the lifeblood of addiction." This makes paying attention to your partner's signals, reactions and attitudes especially important.

6.What kind of work ethic does she have? Plans are great, but they don't always work out. When plans fall through, you need to know that your partner will keep working to figure things out. What happens when you find yourself in debt, or if the main breadwinner gets sick or injured, impairing his or her ability to work? Is your partner willing to work overtime if her jobs requires it? Is she willing to take a job beneath her skill level to make ends meet? Does she get along with her coworkers? On the opposite side of the coin, it's important to find out if your partner is a workaholic or would rather be at the office than at home.

There's a recording in your head of how your parents and the other grown-ups in your life interacted. That recording forms the foundation... for how you are likely to talk, fight or withdraw from your spouse as a grown-up.

–- Susan Heitler, Ph.D

7.How does he communicate and express his emotions? Much of their communication skill goes back to their parents'. According to Susan Heitler, Ph.D., "There's a recording in your head of how your parents and the other grown-ups in your life interacted. That recording forms the foundation — it's the default setting — for how you are likely to talk, fight or withdraw from your spouse as a grown-up. How your spouse's family talked — or didn't talk — is the most likely source for your spouse's default model for communication in marriage as well." Pay attention to how your significant other communicates with you, friends, family, children, coworkers and even strangers, in addition to how his family communicates with each other. Do they act differently in public than in private? Are they flippant in how they act, or are unreliable? Are they prone to lying? Are you embarrassed with how they act? If you are already married and are experiencing difficulty communicating, there are many programs that you can participate in to help you through this hurdle, but that brings us to another question: How does your spouse feel about counseling? Is he open to getting help when needed?8. What are her plans for the future? This can be a fun one. It's kind of thrilling to imagine where you might be in the future, thinking of what you want to achieve and accomplish. Now, if you happen to be in the future, wondering where your plans went, don't be disheartened. Start setting new goals. Whether it be to get out of debt, eat healthier or travel more, making plans with your partner can be refreshing and fun. It's even better to be on the same page about future plans. Do you want to live in the same place? Do either of you have plans for more schooling? Do you want kids? How many kids do you want? These essential questions as well as the fun ones are important to know.

9.Is he frugal with money? In "One for the Money" by Marvin J. Ashton it reads, "Financial peace of mind is not determined by how much we make, but is dependent upon how much we spend." Will or can you both be involved in the handling of finances? It is important for you both to know what is going on for multiple reasons. For instance, if something were to happen to one of you, the other wouldn't be clueless about the money situation. Do you know what your spouse would do if he came into $1,000? Is it the same thing you would do with it? What if one of you would blow it on purchases while the other one would have paid off debt? Be aware of what is going on financially to avoid fights and help navigate through difficulties.

10. How will she raise children? This is assuming, of course, you both agree that children are in your future. You may not realize how many different parenting styles there are. Many people don't know what their style is until they are actually a parent, but you can still plan ahead and observe each other's interactions with children. Does your partner enjoy children? Does she avoid them? Is she patient? Does she maintain an acceptable level of authority? Also consider each other's theories on schooling, music and instruments, video games, sports, food, movies, family time, and working together.

There are many other things that are important to know about your mate, lots of which are individual to you and your life. In addition to being an eye-opening experience, it can be very fun finding out about each other, so enjoy the opportunity.

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