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SALT LAKE CITY -- Over the past 20 years, I have noticed a disturbing trend, and it's time someone blew the whistle. Perhaps this has been a steady crescendo for a long time and it has just accelerated alongside the ever increasing speed at which we communicate. The English language is under attack, and the enemy seems to be able to find new weapons by the day to hasten its demise.
As I have observed, some patterns have emerged in this weapons development program. I feel it is my duty to point those out and expose the enemy and his methods so that we can turn the tide in this war of words and take our language back. I am putting my personal safety at extreme risk by doing this, so please take note. This may be your only warning before I am silenced and the enemy continues, unchecked and unfettered in his advance.
The mediums
Let's start with the mediums used in this attack. They are all around us, cleverly disguised as Gmail, Hotmail, Google Chat, Microsoft Communicator, even the cellphone you use every day to send text messages (to name a few). These tools, which are common in our daily communications with friends, co-workers and loved ones, have been hijacked by the enemy to propagate his filth and use us as drones to further his cause.
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Don't get me wrong, these are wonderful tools that help us stay in touch, collaborate, communicate and share information, but unless you are aware of the methods the enemy uses to deliver the hammer stroke, you may unwittingly join his ranks and aid in his cause. Do you really want that blood on your hands? I didn't think so.
Now that I have exposed some of the mediums used by the enemy, it's time we focus on the payload delivered through these channels. As we do this, you will begin to see the cleverness of the enemy emerge. Do not give in to fear as you read this, for this is his design.
Homophones, the enemy's 'Psy Ops' tool
This is, by far, the most lethal weapon in our foe's arsenal because it allows him to control our minds. Sound crazy? That's exactly what he wants you to think.
By definition, a homophone is a word that is pronounced the same as another word or words but has a different meaning. Maybe an example is the best way to illustrate this: "There will be a huge party at their house. I hear they're inviting Gandalf for the fireworks."
Do you see the genius in that? Just close your eyes for a few seconds and say it. SEE???!! You can't even tell which of the homophones is being used in which part of the sentence! Doesn't that make you feel defiled?! Only in print is the treachery exposed.
I'll point out the obvious here. Since the enemy has learned to control our minds with homophones, we start to use them interchangeably as we write. Since I can't say enough about the danger of the incorrect usage of homophones, here's another example: "Since it was Christmas Eve, we allowed our children to sing aloud."
Now it's time to reflect. How many times have you, or someone you know, fallen victim to this? Think back on past emails you have read, or even worse, written yourself. Think about how you have just begun to ignore this because you understood the intent of the writer or justified it by saying to yourself, "Oops, wrong homophone they're ... oh well, everyone does it so I suppose theirs no harm in it." See? You just did it again. Just put a steak through my heart now.
Mutant word evolution
A mutant word is a word that has evolved from incorrect pronunciation finding its way to the printed word. These mutants are terrifying and part of the adversary's "Shock and Awe" program.
My first encounter with the mutant word was one I was using myself. Every time I used it, I felt that "prick of conscience" telling me something was wrong. One day, I decided I had had enough. I was no longer going to use "awholenother matter" in a sentence, ever.
After I stopped, I realized how far things had gotten. Everyone I knew had started using it. It appeared in verbal and written communication with people I knew to be educated and well spoken. After much pondering and introspection, I have come to the conclusion that the correct phrase to replace this is "another matter entirely." I can't tell you how liberating it is to use that!
A second, more horrifying encounter with the mutant word happened during a group chat with some co-workers. This was truly "Shock and Awe" at its most shocking and awe inspiring. In a blitzkrieg of mutation, the phrase "so to speak" mutated into "sorta speak."
"Sorta speak," what a brilliant display of self definition! In my mind's attempt to erase what I had just witnessed, I chalked it up to an unfortunate typographical error. I was disappointed, however, a few months later, when the same person used this in a verbal communication.
These mutants are terrifying in both sound and appearance and truly represent the "tip of the sword" in the opposition's onslaught, as they are turning our language into something it was never intended to become.
As the famous writer H.P. Lovecraft once said about these mutants in his short story "The Festival," "Great holes secretly are digged where earth's pores ought to suffice, and things have learnt to walk that ought to crawl." Well, I'm pretty sure he was talking about these mutants anyway.
The apostrophe
The word "apostrophe" comes from the Greek "apostrephein," which means "to avert or turn away." I'm sure the Greek linguists could foresee that we would not be able to avert the loss of the Battle of the Apostrophe and would eventually turn away from its correct usage, which greatly influenced the naming of this little comma- shaped article of punctuation.
Perhaps I can best illustrate what I mean with the picture at the top of this article. This photo was taken in a bakery circa 2001, which shows just how far the loss of this battle had progressed even then. It's sad, really. The benign little apostrophe is so far gone, it is almost beyond saving. It enjoys a position in our lines of text above most lower-case letters and other punctuation. Ironic, really, that it will likely be the first to fall.
In conclusion
To conclude, I have warned all of you of that which is forthcoming, and forewarned is fourarmed. The death of English is not yet inevitable, but if u and eye don't due something about this a sail ant, wee will all b forced two retreat back too the med evil cave dwellings to live out r daze in silence their.
grunt... grunt....
