How to be a better listener

Estimated read time: 4-5 minutes

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Listening isn’t just about exchanging information with another person. When you take the time to ask questions and truly listen to another person’s thoughts, feelings, ideas, opinions, fears and concerns (and you honor and respect their right to think the way they do), you validate their worth as a person. You show them you value who they are.

This is one of the greatest gifts you can give another human being, because the deepest fear in all of us is that we aren’t of value or aren’t good enough to be loved.

When you validate a person by listening to them, you build a relationship of trust and they feel safe with you. When this happens, their walls and defenses come down, and they become much more cooperative.

Asking questions and listening is also the best way to instill confidence in a child. When you take the time to listen to a child’s ideas, opinions and feelings, you are showing him he is important. A child who feels important will go much farther in life.

Tips and tricks to for being a better listener

Set your thoughts, feelings, ideas and opinions aside up front. Make your primary goal to show this person they are valued. If you start a conversation by sharing your own thoughts and feelings, the person is more likely to get defensive. Set your feelings aside up front and focus on listening to the other person first. When this is your objective, you will build a relationship of trust where you can then accomplish your agenda in a way that honors both of you.
Give this person all your attention. Don’t let yourself be distracted by other things going on around you. Don’t check your phone or your watch. Maintain eye contact and don’t get lost thinking about what you want to say next.
Being a good listener means asking good questions. Ask lots of questions about what this person thinks and feels, then ask about their fears and concerns. These questions facilitate the most meaningful conversations. Also, ask leading questions that guide the person toward solutions, like, “What options do you have for solving that problem?” These questions empower people to solve their own problems, which is much more helpful than giving them the answers.
Don’t agree or disagree; just validate. If you agree or disagree at this point, you will make the conversation about you and trigger defensiveness in the other person. Let this part of the conversation be all about them. You will have your turn to talk later on. Say validating things like, “I totally understand how you might feel that way.” Show them you honor and respect their right to think the way they do.
Repeat what they say to show you understand. This is especially important if you aren’t sure what they meant. Ask for clarification or ask them to tell you more about it. Keep asking questions until you really understand.
Put yourself in their shoes and listen for what they aren’t saying. Listen for hints about what is really going on. Watch their body language and facial expressions for clues. Being aware enough to ask deeper questions and putting yourself in their shoes will show them you really care.
Don’t tell your stories or finish their sentences. When someone tells you a story and you have a similar story, it can be very tempting to interrupt them and steal the show. Instead, use your empathy about this situation to help you ask smart questions. Choose to be someone who doesn’t need to tell your stories to feel important. Be someone who focuses more on edifying others than yourself.
Don’t share your ideas, opinions, advice or suggestions unless you ask permission first. If you must share your opinion or speak your truth about this issue, show them you respect them by asking a permission question first. Ask things like, “Would you be open to some advice on this?” “Would you be willing to consider another point of view?" "May I share a couple thoughts with you?” If they give you permission, then speak your truth. If they don’t give you permission, honor their wishes. This builds a relationship of trust. They will be more open to listening to you next time, if you respect how they feel now.
Choose to see listening to others as a gift. Author Jim Rohn said, “One of the greatest gifts you can give anyone is the gift of your attention.” Listening to them is truly one of the deepest ways you can validate their worth and everyone you meet desperately needs to feel valued.

If you give this gift to everyone you meet, everywhere you go, it will change your world.

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing self esteem. Watch Coach Kim on KSL TV every Monday at 6:15am