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SALT LAKE CITY -- We’ve all been there. You’re working hard at work trying to meet that deadline when all of a sudden that funny-smelling janitor sneaks up behind you and asks, “Does this rag smell like chloroform?” Needless to say, that funny-smelling janitor is now out of a job (don’t worry, I hear he makes a great baby sitter) and you feel just a tad bit uncomfortable every time the janitor comes to empty the trash in your cubicle.
It’s no secret that there are things you simply shouldn’t ever, ever say at work, be it to fellow co-workers or at that important meeting with the vice president of the company. What is a complete secret is what those things you should refrain from saying are. For all you know, “Is the cream cheese in the fridge yours?” can make you victim to a hostile work environment claim.
Even the seemingly trivial statment “everyone who works here sucks!” could land you in a heap of trouble with your office party planning committee when it comes time for your birthday.
So what shouldn’t you say at work?
Well, after my years of labor in the most socially awkward and easily replaceable work force of them all, the “teenagers trying to save up money for college” work force, I’ve done my best to catalog every odd or normal statement that’s been made in an effort to gather a list of what not to say.
So far I have:
This job sucks
Nothing will forge that bond of camaraderie faster than the common trials of your work. And at certain points in history, such as the Industrial Revolution or before there were enough desperate people out there willing to take jobs as telephone survey takers, this would have been an OK thing to say. But today it’s a dog-eat-dog world, and rest assured, while up front your fellow coworkers might say they wholeheartedly agree, you can rest assured that they are in fact keeping a tally of every time you say that so that they may tattle on you the moment it benefits them the most. Remember, much like kindergarten teachers, all employers love tattletales.
So when’s the baby due?
(The following is in no way a direct conclusion from personal experience. On an unrelated note, I’m sorry, Mrs. Norman.)
Everyone’s noticed it, your boss lady has started accumulating those extra pounds, but then again she is married, and her constant sending you on errands to buy cream cheese and pickles has led everyone in the office to assume that she is preggers. Under no circumstances should you ask her if she is. She’s probably just stressed from having to manage you and your co-workers and has turned to food to comfort her. Refrain from asking the question until you have concrete evidence of their pregnancy, such as their water breaking during a staff meeting.
Note, contrary to popular belief, this rule also applies to your male employers.
I’ll do it later
When your boss asks you to do something, the correct answer is, “Oh man, thanks for giving me this assignment, I really need less time with my family.” During the Cold War, anything that didn’t directly correlate with bringing about the collapse of communism could justifiably be put off until tomorrow, with your employer likely giving you a gold star for your patriotism. But in the high-speed and demanding world of today, if you not only fail to deliver what's expected, but also have a lackluster attitude about it, there is likely a whole continent willing to do your job with seven times the fanfare and at half the wages.
Sparklers are never discouraged for celebrating your boss telling you to do something.
'Star Wars' is way better than 'Star Trek'
While undeniably true, such a statement will only lead to irreversible divisions within your work force as those who speak Klingon go off and form their own federation in the break room. Eventually, in order to get access to the vending machines, the galactic office empire and its self-proclaimed Sith lord will attempt to build a death star out of papier mache. Eventually the one hipster in the office who likes "Firefly" will start his own faction and in the end nothing is accomplished while the office lives in an eternal state of fear.
And yes, this will always happen if you say the aforementioned statement.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
This is America, speak American darn it!
Is there anything else you think you should avoid ever, ever, ever mentioning at the office (or other place of work)? Well then, add it in the comments and on Facebook so that we may all feel more confident in our work vocabulary!
Freeman Stevenson is a full-time college student and a part-time funny person who is only mildly funny part of that part time.
