Coach Kim: How not to ruin your holiday gatherings

In this edition of LIFEadvice, Coach Kim shares some tips for navigating your holiday family gatherings.

In this edition of LIFEadvice, Coach Kim shares some tips for navigating your holiday family gatherings. (Syda Productions, Shutterstock)

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Estimated read time: 7-8 minutes

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SALT LAKE CITY — Every year I hear from readers who are dreading the holidays because it means dealing with their difficult relatives on a level they can avoid the rest of the year. Why is it so uncomfortable, threatening and miserable dealing with these human beings you're related to? How has COVID-19 made this even worse?

It is important you understand one critical thing about human behavior: We are all programmed toward one subconscious, evolutionary goal to look for threats and protect ourselves.

Programmed to perceive threats

Neuroscience experts say that from an evolutionary perspective, our ultimate goal is reproductive fitness. The authors of a 2010 article about humans' "pyramid of needs" say this means we have a subconscious tendency toward things like "resource acquisition, self-protection, disease avoidance, social affiliation, status, mate acquisition, mate retention and kin-rearing."

In simple language, you are a walking, talking threat-protection system at work 24/7 to protect and defend yourself.

Experts say this protection system is "highly sensitive to fluctuating circumstances, and is more likely to be engaged when environmental cues signal that individuals are temporarily more susceptible to the specific threat." For many of us, the COVID-19 pandemic has increased the perceived threat level that other human beings pose.

For two years, you have been told to stay 6 feet away, avoid contact and protect yourself by wearing a mask, which puts a wall between you and others. You are more threatened by other people than you ever were before, and this could be negatively affecting your relationships.

The pandemic is likely contributing to you becoming easily offended, feeling more protective (selfish) and reacting more defensively. Add to this the current political divide and all the other divisive issues in play online, and you have a recipe for judgment, intolerance, defensiveness, division and a lack of compassion and forgiveness. Do you find it harder to forgive others the last two years? Are you holding more grudges?

The pandemic is also likely making you more sensitive to loss or feeling taken from. If I asked you to make a list of everything you have lost the last two years — financially, emotionally or in quality of life — it would probably be a long one. The loss you have experienced is subconsciously putting you on guard to watch for other losses.

This means you might be feeling more protective of yourself than you ever have before. Are you more sensitive to mistreatment or more easily bothered by other people's behavior? You might be functioning in a "fear of loss" state, which is making you more protective and could negatively affect your family gatherings this year.

Evolutionary psychology also tells us that when we function in a fear state our emotions will drive our behavior more than our logic will. When you are functioning in stress — a fight-or-flight state — your frontal lobe actually shuts down, which means you are less logical, more emotional and more defensive.

Changing your reaction

Take a minute and ask yourself: Am I reacting to people with more defensiveness than I did two years ago? Am I quicker to be protective or get offended? Do I find fault, gossip or talk about the flaws in other people more than usual?

If you can see a pattern of fear-driven feelings and behavior in yourself, here are some things you can do to calm your protective tendencies and make your holiday more peaceful:

Don't worry about what others think

Remember that what other people think or say about you doesn't mean anything. It doesn't diminish your value and it doesn't have meaning or power unless you believe it does. You can be completely bulletproof if you just see yourself that way. Choose to see all humans as divine, amazing, scared, struggling students in the classroom of life, just like you. When they behave badly, choose to forgive it because most of the time they don't intend to harm you. They are just functioning in fear.

Don't take anything personally

Everything other people do and say is driven by their fears for and about themselves. It is never about you. As a matter of fact, all bad behavior is just a request for love and a sign that the person doesn't love themselves. If a relative says something offensive this year, let it bounce off and hit the floor. Don't let anything stick. And whatever you do, don't pick it up and stab yourself with it later. You are in control of how much other people can hurt you.

Be curious about how you judge others

The way you judge and value others is the way you will judge and value yourself. If you fault-find and judge the mistakes or flaws in other people as making them less valuable, you will subconsciously see your own flaws as making you less valuable, too. You can only love and accept yourself to the degree you love and accept your neighbors. Work on seeing their value as the same as yours, their mistakes and flaws as their perfect classroom, and find love for them in spite of their negative qualities, and you will find a new level of love for yourself, too.

Don't feel responsible for others' happiness

You are only responsible for your own choices, thoughts, words and deeds. These are the only things in your control. Allow the universe to be in charge of other people and their behavior. The universe has this other person's perfect classroom well in hand and doesn't need you to stress about it. Let go of feeling responsible for even the people you love. Focus all your attention on choosing your own positive feelings and behaviors and allow others to be in their perfect classroom journey no matter what they are experiencing.

See whatever happens as your perfect classroom

This means you choose to see everything that happens as here to serve you. You choose to see everything that happens as a blessing in disguise to help you grow and become stronger, wiser or more loving. This means even when others say offensive things, gossip or judge you, it is nothing more than a chance to practice choosing to see yourself as bulletproof.

Be the question-asker and give compliments

Instead of dreading the relative's questions, take the initiative and be the question-asker at the party. Spend the whole time asking each person questions about themselves and their lives. This means you don't have to talk about yourself and your life at all, which is safer. It also means showing you care and are interested in knowing about and understanding others. Look for ways to compliment and validate others in the room. This creates an atmosphere of building people up instead of tearing them down.

Be the love in the room

Focus all your attention on making others feel important and valued. You cannot do both love and fear at the same time. If you are laser-focused on giving love, you won't have the bandwidth to worry about yourself. Spend every minute of the party making others feel comfortable and accepted and your fears will go to the back burner.

Avoid controversial topics

I have a friend who puts a list on the front door of all the topics that are against the rules to bring up at her family gatherings. Politics, religion, vaccination and the new COVID-19 variant top her list. This takes all the hot topics off the table before the party even starts. Consider having a jar filled with safe "get to know you questions" that drive understanding, compassion and love instead.

Know it's OK to bow out of anything

If you don't think you can handle the family gathering and stay balanced, it's OK to bow out. Doing so doesn't excuse you from the work of learning to love each person and yourself at a higher level. This should still be your goal, but if you need more time before stepping into the hot zone, it's OK to practice loving them from afar this year.

Programmed to love

Even though you are subconsciously programmed to look for threats and protect yourself, you are also deeply programmed to love. I believe your love is really who you are. Focus this holiday season on being love and making others feel safer everywhere you go.

Notice that whenever human beings face calamity, natural disasters or tragedy, there is an equal upswing of love that follows. Hard times can bring us closer together and increase our capacity for love and understanding.

You have the power to decide what is increased in you this year: more fear or more love. Will you become more defensive or more compassionate? Instead of letting your subconscious decide your response, consciously choose. Decide to make the pandemic increase your compassion and forgiveness this year.

You can do this.

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About the Author: Kim Giles

Coach Kim Giles is a master life coach and speaker who helps clients improve themselves and their relationships. She is the author of "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and has a free clarity assessment available on her website To read more of her articles, visit Coach Kim's author page.

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Coach Kim Giles is a master life coach and speaker who helps clients improve themselves and their relationships. She is the author of "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and has a free clarity assessment available on her website. Learn more at


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