SALT LAKE CITY — University of Utah student Lauren McCluskey was shot to death Monday when a man she had dated for a month borrowed a gun and killed her in the back seat of a car, just weeks after she ended their relationship upon learning the man’s criminal history.

But while Lauren’s story had a more tragic and final ending than most, it is far from unique.

On Sunday, a woman asked her friend to drop her off at a Salt Lake hotel where her boyfriend was staying so she could end their relationship and give him back some of his things. When she told her boyfriend it was over, he grabbed her by her hair, yanked her on to the bed, jumped on top of her and pulled out a bladed knife, jail records show.

He raised the knife to her throat and made a deep cut in her finger as she raised her hand to stop him. He then placed the blade at her neck and demanded she stay with him, according to jail records. After assuring him that she would, she convinced him to let her go tell her friend she wouldn’t need a ride home.

As soon as she arrived at her friend’s car, she jumped in and left to report the assault. Her boyfriend was booked into jail the same day, records show.

On Saturday, another woman told police her boyfriend had verbally abused her during an argument while they drove to Bluffdale. When they arrived at a gas station, she told him she was “done with him and was leaving,” jail records state.

As she tried to get out of the car, her boyfriend put the vehicle in reverse and drove off, dragging the woman along and hitting her with the car, jail records show. The woman was able to move out of the way before she was run over. Her boyfriend was booked into jail the next day.

Lauren’s murder was the third instance of intimate partner violence in the Salt Lake Valley in three days that ended with the alleged perpetrator dead or in jail. Though tragic, it is certainly not isolated.

“There has been some real hesitancy to embrace the reality of our domestic violence problem in Utah,” said Jennifer Oxborrow, executive director of the Utah Domestic Violence Coalition. “I think we have a culture here that really highly values family and connection and commitment, and we want to resolve this in a personal, family way. ... We don’t want to call this a crime.”

But in 2016, over 18 percent of Utah women reported that an intimate partner had hit, slapped, pushed, kicked or hurt them in some way, according to the Utah Department of Health. Ten percent of men reported the same.

Yet when something like the shooting at the U. happens, “we get so many media requests that are … ‘What should she have done differently? Did she do everything she could have done?’” Oxborrow said.

And while perhaps those questions are important in their own right, Oxborrow believes the only way to change the culture, be preventive, and make a lasting difference is to reframe the way Utah society talks about domestic violence.

Instead of putting the onus on the victim, it’s time to put that on the perpetrator, she said.

What could he have done differently? And what could we do differently to prevent this from happening again?

Though there are resources readily available in Utah for victims of domestic violence, preventative resources for perpetrators or those at risk of becoming perpetrators are a little more “disjointed” and underfunded, Oxborrow explained.

Where can I go for help if I have been or may become a perpetrator of domestic violence?

While perpetrators and those dealing with anger and control issues are often less likely to seek help, there is help available for those who want it (and even for those who don’t), Oxborrow said. It just may be slightly more difficult to find initially.

The Utah Domestic Violence Coalition’s hotline 1-800-897-LINK (5465) is staffed by licensed professionals that are ready to help those with issues of domestic violence and abuse — both victims, perpetrators and those worried about either.

Those concerned about their anger and control issues can call the hotline and speak with an extensively-trained individual, Oxborrow said. The person on the other end of the hotline can also direct them to other resources, like the Utah Association of Domestic Violence Treatment which can provide lists of trained therapists who specialize in aiding both victims and perpetrators of domestic violence and abuse.

“If someone is perpetrating serious domestic violence as opposed to abuse, it’s really important they get in to (see) somebody who understands how to work with that,” Oxborrow said.

In a major preventative effort, the Utah Department of Health also began a program designed to teach people, especially men (who are overwhelmingly the perpetrators of violence in domestic issues), about healthy relationships, consent, anger control and other similar issues, Oxborrow said.

Program educators spoke to male-heavy organizations like athletic teams and fraternities as well as middle schools, high schools and colleges to spread the message. The program stopped abruptly after three years, however, when it ran out of funding and didn’t receive more, Oxborrow said.

“There’s no dedicated federal funding for the Department of Health to do prevention work,” Oxborrow said. “(The Utah Domestic Violence Coalition and the health department) just met with the governor’s office and asked them to fund some ongoing money for that prevention education in Utah. … We’re very hopeful that the governor will see how necessary this is and help us continue to get back to doing this work.”

What coping mechanisms can I use now to deal with anger and rejection when I feel like I might lose control?

Anger is a symptom of an underlying “something,” said Klint Hobbs, a counselor at Brigham Young University. That “something” may be pain, anxiety or the fear of losing control. In abusive relationships, oftentimes the fear of losing control causes abusers to exert even more control, he said.

“I’m speaking anecdotally here … but from what I’ve seen, it does tend to be more prevalent in men,” Hobbs said. "I would really relate that, off the cuff, to some patriarchy in society. I think men are taught a number of different things throughout their lives — one of which being they kind of need to be in control, and they need to be in control all the time.”

Men are also taught that showing emotion is not masculine, and many men don’t know how to healthily deal with the emotions they do have, said CJ Powers, a psychology training director at the U.’s University Neuropsychiatric Institute. They may even believe getting angry works for them, though it eventually is hurtful in the long run.

Both Hobbs and Powers counsel those dealing with anger to consider the following actions:

• Recognize emotional triggers. What makes you angry and why? Recognize when you might become angry.
• As you become angry, be aware of your body. Are you clenching your fists? Is your heart racing? Work to relax your body.
• Practice basic stress management, like meditation or deep breathing.
• Practice mindfulness.
• Practice self-care. Avoid alcohol, and get enough sleep, exercise and healthy foods.
• Recognize the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness in an argument. Calmly explain and assert your needs in a relationship, but don’t do it in a way that would feel threatening.
• Don’t strike when the iron is hot. It’s OK to take a timeout while in an argument. Wait to discuss the conflict when you’ve both had time to cool down.
• Don’t blame others and justify your behavior. Recognize your own role in an argument. Don’t say, “You made me angry.” What can you do to calm an argument?
• Recognize that domestic abuse includes more than just hitting each other. It can also include verbal abuse or preventing someone from leaving the home.

“I think it’s often really well-meaning people that love these people that are angry, he said. “Try and recognize when this is a dangerous situation and try to extricate yourself in a safe way.”

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