7 things you should never say to a pregnant woman — ever

SALT LAKE CITY — Pregnancy inspires lots of "oohs" and "ahhs" from friends, family and strangers alike — and a lot of just plain stupid comments.

It's bad enough for a pregnant woman to be subjected to morning sickness, weight gain, back pain and wildly unpredictable hormones; add to that the insensitive comments of others, and the mother-to-be's delicate dance with sanity becomes a three-legged race through a loaded minefield.

If this isn't already obvious to you, then just take my word for it. At this moment I am six months pregnant with twins, and I already have a nearly 3-year-old son. In my months of pregnancy I've just about heard it all. And although most of it is probably meant well, many such comments do not land softly on a woman who has already or will very soon reach her breaking point.

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. But if you truly just can't keep your opinions to yourself, beware of these seven things you should never, ever say to an expectant mother. Ever.

1. "You look ready to pop!"

Also unacceptable:

• "Are you sure you're not having twins?"
• "You must be due any day now."

If it wasn't OK to comment on a woman's weight before, why on earth would it be OK to do so when she's pregnant? While her burgeoning belly may catch you by surprise, it sure isn't a surprise to her. She is painfully aware (quite literally) of every single pound she has to cart around — as well as how long it will take to get rid of it.

On the other side of the coin, you may also be treading dangerous waters if you comment on how little the mother-to-be has gained. You may think you're offering a compliment, but many women are worried about their baby's growth. This is especially true for mothers of multiples, who face the very real issue of having dangerously underweight newborns.

If you must comment on a pregnant woman's appearance, one phrase, and one phrase only, is acceptable: "You look great!"

2. "I knew a person named [insert baby's name here] ..."

Also unacceptable:

• "You're naming the baby what???"
• "No, seriously, you're really naming your baby that?"
• "I'll just call her [insert nickname here]."

There's a reason many parents wait until the ink is dry on the birth certificate to announce a new baby's name; They don't want to face the litany of opinions on the name they spent months lovingly selecting or had their heart set on since childhood. Such opinions most often come in the form of stories ("I knew a kid named [baby's chosen name] and she was weirdest girl I've ever met"), social predictions ("He's totally going to get teased with a name like that") and moral judgments ("I would never name a child a thing like that").

Have these opinions if you must — there are some seriously strange baby names making the rounds, and I'll admit to having some of these thoughts myself — but please don't share them with expectant or new parents. Not only is it in bad taste, but frankly, whether or not you believe that child's name is utterly ridiculous simply does not matter — it's not your decision to make, and if the couple wanted your input they would have asked for it.

3. "Better you than me."

Also unacceptable:

• "How are you going to manage?"
• "You will really have your hands full."

As a future twin mother, it is shocking to me that so many of my fellow moms of multiples hear these types of comments. While, let's face it, the statements may be true, it's hurtful to hear such a harsh reminder that this mommy business is rough — and when that mommy is expecting more than one bundle of joy, or already has other small children at home, believe me when I say that the fear and anxiety she feels are much worse than anything the insensitive mind can imagine — because those horrors may very well turn out to be her daily reality.

But even if you've got just one bun in the oven, parenthood is just plain hard. No matter how starry-eyed expectant parents may be, they are still aware of the trials that await them — sleepless nights, temper tantrums, teenage rebellion … the list goes on. The realities of parenthood are out there, waiting, but they're not here yet. Let the mama-to-be have a few months of bliss before those realities come crashing down.

Better yet, why not take the opportunity to reassure a fearful mother that parenthood is also full of unexpected joy. The horror stories are out there, but so are the heartwarming tales of love and silliness that make parenthood worth it. This is what we need to melt those fears and build us up for the sleepless months ahead.

4. "You're only eating for two, not a football team."

Also unacceptable:

• "Looks like you're loving this eating-for-two business."
• "Um, just how many extra calories are you supposed to eat?"

After point No. 1 about discussing a woman's weight, I shouldn't have to mention this one, and yet it's surprising how many people feel it's appropriate to comment on an expectant mother's appetite. During my first pregnancy, I remember someone making a snide remark about my suddenly larger-than-life appetite. Although I am usually fiercely immune to the opinions of others, I found myself fighting back tears.

A pregnant woman is tasked with building an entire human being out of nothing more than microscopic particles, and it is truly physically demanding. She may not be eating for a football team, but if she needs to eat like one to keep up her energy, then get out of her way. The only person qualified to make those kind of judgments is the woman's doctor (and perhaps her spouse or partner, but even they may be sleeping on the couch after such a remark).

Unless she's consuming illicit substances that are dangerous for her and the baby, keep your mouth shut and let hers get to work.

5. "My sister/cousin/friend had the worst childbirth experience ever."

Also unacceptable:

• "Did you hear of that woman who died giving birth last month?"
• "I had a natural birth and it was the most glorious moment of my life."

For most people, childbirth is terrifying. It is purportedly the most excruciatingly painful experience a human can endure, and the number of things that can and often do go wrong is horrifying. Chances are a pregnant woman has already spent time fighting her anxiety about giving birth. Don't remind her of what could go wrong, because in all likelihood it won't — and don't you dare put any new fears into her head she hasn't already lost sleep over.

On the flip side, if you had the most miraculously beautiful childbirth experience, don't gloat. In our rational, non-pregnant states we may be extremely happy for you. But from where we're sitting, you're just rubbing it in, so keep it to yourself for now.

6. "Did you conceive naturally?"

Also unacceptable:

• "Was this baby planned?"
• "Finally! We thought you'd never get pregnant."

Infertility is nothing to take lightly. The emotional effects can linger for years, even if a couple does become pregnant. If you are not in an expectant woman's circle of confidence and already aware of any fertility struggles and triumphs, do not ask or hint at them.

It's more often that mothers of multiples will be asked ad nauseum if her twins/triplets/etc. were conceived naturally. This question usually stems from innocent curiosity, because the fact is that so many multiples are conceived with fertility drugs and treatments. But no matter how innocent your intentions, the question can expose the couple's potential history with infertility, which is never anyone's business but their own. Besides, even if the baby or babies were conceived naturally, how is that anything but private information? You don't really want to hear about the couple's intimate life, do you?

7. "Enjoy your freedom while you can."

Also unacceptable:

• "Hope you've done all the [insert fun adult activity here] you could, because it's all over now."

See point No. 3 about how hard this parenting stuff is, because that's all this statement really hints at. Also contained in this alleged piece of advice is the opinion that a life with children is full of drudgery, boredom and monotony. Admittedly, as a full-time mom, it feels like that sometimes — but I didn't choose to have a family so that we could sit at home staring at the walls our entire lives.

Children bring with them a sense of wonder and adventure to every experience they encounter. Even a walk around the block with a small child is a unique opportunity to see the world through fresh, excited eyes. Being a parent gives me the chance to live life in a way my jaded adult brain could never replicate. It is not always easy — heck, it's rarely ever easy — but it is an immense blessing to be a parent. I may lose certain freedoms I once had, but I am gaining a life of unspeakable love and moments of absolute joy, the likes of which I could not fathom let alone experience without my children. That alone makes this — even the messy pregnancy stuff — worth it.

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