Talking to young children about suicide

Talking to young children about suicide


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SALT LAKE CITY — Due to Suicide Prevention Week, KSL is continuing its coverage of the series, “Breaking the Silence on Suicide,” something it began this past April.

Much of its efforts have been focused on helping teens and young adults and is geared toward education and prevention. As one for whom this topic hits a little too close to home, I am glad to see some action being taken.

As many of my readers know, I wrote about this in an article at the end of March titled, “The silence of suicide.” In it, I mentioned the silence that is experienced when not only faced with a family member who is suicidal, but the silence that also takes place following such a tragic death.

Following my sister's death, that silence was all too real. And as I sat there, trying to piece it all together and figure out just how it all happened, I looked to my two young children, who were 1 and 2 years old at the time. I began to ask myself, “How will I tell them when I don't know all the answers myself?”

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Looking at them, so young and pure, I feared the day when I would need to talk to them about this. I knew it was only a matter of time before the topic would come up, but I was hoping it wouldn't be until they were much older. Little did I know the questions would come only a handful of years later, when my oldest turned 7.

From a young age, he knew that his Aunt Megan died. I would talk often about her in an effort to keep her memory alive. In my discussions with him, my focus was more on who and what she was as a person. There was no mention of how or why, because there was no reason to bring it up.

I'll never forget the day when my son asked me how Megan died. My heart stopped. I was speechless. Unlike other causes of death, the “how” is not as concrete. There is, of course the literal “how,” which was something I was not going to let his tender ears hear. Then there is the “how,” referring to her taking her own life, and I wasn't sure I was ready to divulge that information either.

I thought about telling him why, but even that is so hard, because the why is complicated for even me to understand.

What if I told him that she was sad? Would that satisfy his question for now and buy me some time? I worried about putting in his mind that it is possible for someone to die from just being sad. I didn't want him to worry about that.


And as I sat there, trying to piece it all together and figure out just how it all happened, I looked to my two young children, who were 1 and 2 years old at the time. I began to ask myself, "How will I tell them when I don't know all the answers myself?"

I didn't want to ignore him or put him off, but I wasn't ready. So I decided I would do something I had read in the book "The Hiding Place," when Corrie asked her dad a difficult question. Like her dad, I handed my son something heavy and asked him to carry it. When he said that it was too heavy, I told him that there are some things that are too heavy for kids to carry, and it was best for parents to carry them for a while, until kids were ready.

This answer seemed to suffice, but knowing it was only a matter of time before the questions came again, I wanted to be more prepared when they did. So, I asked a good friend of mine, Wendy Christensen, who served on the Hope Task Suicide Prevention Committee and started a peer-based group called “The Hope Squad in Provo School District, how I should answer my son's questions. Here are a few things that she said I should do:

  • Don't approach them; instead, wait for them to come to you. When dealing with young children, the best thing to do is to wait until they ask the questions.
  • Consider age and maturity. When dealing with children up to about the age of 8, they have a more concrete way of thinking, making it difficult for them to understand certain things. At this age, it is best to speak in simple terms and say you will tell them about it when they are old enough to understand.
  • When you do begin to explain things, be honest, but don't give too much information too fast. At this age, giving every detail is still too much for them to handle. Make sure you are honest about what suicide is, why some people do it, and make sure that they know it is not a solution to problems.
Christensen went on to emphasize the importance of being honest with children in grief situations. She said that in being honest, and by encouraging them to be honest about their feelings, you will encourage openness between you and your child, which is critical in suicide prevention.

Equipped with this information, I have begun discussing this sensitive and difficult topic with my now 9-year-old son. I hope I will be able to discuss things in such a way with all my children so that we can prevent another tragedy from happening. Arianne Brown is a mother of five who loves running the beautiful trails around Utah. For more articles by Brown, "like" her FB page (https://www.facebook.com/WriterArianneBrown), go to her blog at timetofititin.com or follow on Twitter @arimom5

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