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SALT LAKE CITY — Finding out you’re expecting another child is usually exciting. You’ve been through it before and know how to cope a little bit better with the two biggest hurdles parents face — sleep deprivation and body fluids. You’ve walked the walk, or at least sleepwalked the walk comforting a fussy baby through the night, and you can catch vomit in your bare hands with little to no real warning. You’re a pro!
However, for your young children, adding a new member to the family can often seem threatening. For the firstborn, a new sibling can seem like an outright replacement. To help big brothers and sisters welcome their smaller siblings consider trying some or all of these ideas:
Practice independence
There are many things children can do for themselves but would prefer their parents to do. Require your children to complete tasks that you know they can do for themselves. Fostering a sense of independence will help them feel more resilient when the real baby comes along.
For younger children this might mean they hold the book while mommy tells the story or pull a chair over to wash their own hands at the sink; for older children it might mean making their own lunches and getting to the bus on time.
Your child will walk away with the idea, “Mom and Dad may not be able to help me as much when the baby comes, but it’s okay because I can help myself.”
Create awareness
Take a tour of the hospital before the arrival of the baby so your child understands where Mom is when it’s time to deliver. To help the baby seem more real you can also include your child at check-ups and ultrasound appointments. An intuitive way to help children bond with your baby is to let them feel your baby move and kick and to encourage them to talk to the baby.
Hospital harmony
For many young children, having a night away from their mother, and possibly their father too, can be very unsettling, especially if it hasn’t happened often before. When your toddler or young child enters the hospital room let them climb up on the bed with Mom before you introduce them to baby.
After a while they’ll want to see the baby too, but re-establishing that bond with Mom needs to be the first priority. You’ll score serious bonus points if you let the older sibling play with the electronic bed controls too.
Baby loves you
Babies get showered with gifts. At times the first child may feel overlooked, so have your baby give a gift to their big brother or sister (presented by Mom or Dad, of course). A game to play with Mom or Dad while baby is asleep or a new toy can go a long way in smoothing over bumps in the sibling relationship.
Super Dad to the rescue
Babies take so much of parents’ attention that it’s easy for siblings to feel like there’s not quite enough to go around. Dads can become heroes to their kids by being even more involved with them than normal. Special outings, or even just trips to the grocery store without the new baby, can be memorable when the other children know they’re the focus of Dad’s attention and energy.
Baby your kid
Many children, if not most, regress in development at least for a while with major life changes. Whatever baby does may become the cool thing to do, so don’t be surprised if your toddler wants to snuggle, try the baby’s pacifier, or enjoy a sippy of milk in your arms.
And it’s not uncommon for older children to have more emotional outbursts and even downright hostility toward you or baby. Taking just 10 to 15 minutes of quiet time a day to reconnect with your child, however he or she likes, can ease the tension and reunite the family.
Share the Love
The new baby will be the subject of many coos and awes. When compliments come for your bundle of joy thank the giver and then include your firstborn in the glow too. For example: “Thanks. Baby is cute. We have two beautiful children now. I’m so lucky.”
Feeding Time Fun
Feeding a newborn takes a lot of time. To help your young child feel secure during the hours of feeding that will ensue, create quiet baskets with special activities in them that your child can play with while you nurse or give the baby a bottle.
Older children can enjoy a TV show or you can cheer them on while they play a video game or jump on the trampoline. This will help your big kid be less demanding at a time when you have to focus on your baby.
Service with a smile
Re-emphasize all the wonderful things that a kid can do. Help your child feel pride in being older and point out all the things the older sibling can teach the younger one. Encourage your child to help with the baby in ways you’re both comfortable with. Inviting them into the circle of caregivers helps defeat the dynamic of competition with the baby and creates one of service instead.
Miranda H. Lotz is a military wife, mother of four, bibliophile and musician. She lives on a remote Air Force station in Cavalier, North Dakota.
