Controlling the out-of-control toddler

Estimated read time: 3-4 minutes

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SALT LAKE CITY — Shopping with my 2-year-old can be very embarrassing. You know what I mean: he doesn't get something he wants and suddenly it's as if I tore his arm off — the screaming, yelling, kicking and carrying on throughout the whole store. I become one of "those" moms that can't control her kids. I leave the store humiliated and frustrated. And usually I forget to buy half of my list, so I have to go back the next day and start the process again.

The "Terrible Twos" is a name that almost every parent of a toddler understands. The do-the-opposite-of-what-I-say-and-scream-if-you-don't-like-it attitude of most toddlers can be exasperating and exhausting. Sometimes we just throw our hands up and wonder what in the world we are supposed to do with these mini monsters.

But then, every parent knows that it also can be an incredibly rewarding stage: learning how to talk, learning how to do "tricks" like jumping and walking backwards, snuggling and reading stories together, piping up and saying "thank you" or "I love you" at the most unexpected times — these things are just as much a part of being a toddler as the other things.

So, how do we teach our monsters/sweethearts how to control those emotions that are raging so close to the surface all of the time? How do we help them help themselves so we can enjoy these toddler years more fully?

Remember, you can't control them. No matter how much you want to, no matter how much you try, you really can't force your child to do anything. Even at this young age, children have a choice, and they know it. Accepting this takes a huge burden off of the whole process for a parent, so just accept it now: Your child will, in the end, make the choice. Your job is to try and help them make the right choice. And if they don't, it's not because you're a bad parent, and it's not because they're a bad kid. Just continue to teach.
Have logical and consistent consequences. Spanking a child for hitting someone doesn't really make sense. Instead, get creative with the consequences. They dumped out the whole carton of milk? Have them help you clean it up and then do another job too since you had to spend your time cleaning the mess. They ripped a library book? Have them do some work to earn the money to pay for the book. They spit at the dinner table? Take the dinner away and have them get down from the table. It won't hurt them to skip dinner for one night. Make the consequences match the problems.
When setting consequences, let the consequences do the teaching. Lecturing NEVER helps. Stay quiet and let the consequences be the bad guy. Your job is to just feel sorry that the consequences have to come. The Love & Logic Institute goes into a lot more detail about how to give logical consequences in a loving way. To find out more, go to www.loveandlogic.com.
Don't throw your own temper tantrum. Screaming and getting angry only teaches the very teachable toddlers that when we're frustrated that's how we react. Stay in control. Be the adult.
Love them, love them, love them after every mistake. Kids who know they are loved even when they do something wrong will have a much stronger desire to do what is right. Don't hang the guilt over their head for the rest of the day. Have the consequence, and then move on and enjoy your children!

Testy toddlers can stretch us to our limits, but they can also fill our hearts in a way that no one else can. Let them be toddlers. Teach them and love them. It's OK to not fix every problem. Sometimes children will hit — have a consequence. Sometimes they will push — have a consequence. They will probably choose to hit or push again, but just continue to teach that it's wrong and continue to love them, and eventually they will learn to control themselves. Isn't that the goal anyway?