Taming tantrums: what works and why

SALT LAKE CITY — Most parents can recall their children throwing a tantrum or two. If not, well, they're big, fat liars. And in order to make friends with other parents, they should at least pretend their kids have meltdowns like proper children.

Every parent at some point will experience the frustration of watching their child scream like a banshee and turn purple in a crowded restaurant or department store when they don’t get their way. While it’s tempting to act like they're not at all related to the little angel holding his or her breath and stomping his or her feet, there are ways to tame a tantrum. So don’t throw the baby out with the bath water just yet.

Typical Tantrums

“'Temper tantrums’ are typically a part of normal development for young children as they attempt to establish a sense of autonomy around and during the second year," said Dr. Clyde Robinson, professor of human development at Brigham Young University. "These tantrums can be exacerbated by how parents handle them, and likewise, can be moderated by how parents handle them. The 'Terrible Twos' can be more terrible depending upon the parent/child relationship, or they can be moderately challenging depending upon the parent/child relationship.”

Most experts agree that by the age of 5, children should be able to express their feelings and control their emotions in a calmer fashion, minus the uncontrollable outbursts.

What works

While there are as many parenting styles as there are parents, some tactics work better than others when dealing with tantrums.

Parents are often worried about being too harsh or not stern enough. Steve Dennis, chair of the Department of Home and Family at BYU-Idaho, suggests a middle ground.

“Calmly lift and move the child from one location to another (e.g., floor to a couch). This shows you are in control of the situation," he said. "You might pat them on the back and gently tell them they seem frustrated at the moment but when they are calmed down you'd love to talk with them. This labels their feelings, shows empathy, but requires a change in their behavior before you will give them your full attention. Your calm and compassionate approach will also serve as a reference for children who will then be better able to calm themselves.”

And many parents use this approach and adapt it slightly with their own parenting style. Most refer to it as the 'time out' approach.

“Teaching kids to control their emotions is huge," said Amber Ingram, mother of two young boys. "We can't take away their feelings, but we can control how they communicate them to us. This is something that has to be taught though. My kids are not allowed to steal the joy of the house with their temporary emotions.

"They go to their room until they are in a place where we can talk about it. Talking it out with them afterward, they usually come to the conclusion on their own that their behavior was not acceptable.”

What doesn’t work

Adding fuel to the fire is never a good idea. Escalating the situation by losing your own temper will only make matters worse. Keeping cool is key. While it’s easier said than done, the pay-off is a more attentive and calmer child.

“Children who are emotionally hot aren't cooled through 'hot' approaches. Adults should not be hot, angry, or forceful themselves,” said Dennis. “We may need to increase the heat to get their attention. This might be through a stern voice, a commanding look, or even clapping your hands. This can help them get to the place of emotional warmth where attention and engagement are high and learning takes place.

“When emotional arousal is too hot children feel anxious and overwhelmed, and as a result are not in a teachable frame of mind. It's like trying to have a reasonable conversation with someone in the midst of road rage. It won't work."

Stop a tantrum before it starts

Before labeling a child as being a handful or as going through their “terrible twos,” consider the circumstance behind some tantrums.

If a child is over tired or hungry, it’s probably not a good idea to take them grocery shopping. Don’t set a child up to fail by putting them in a position where governing their emotions is harder than it should be.

Take into consideration any obvious reasons behind a tantrum to stop the next one before it starts.

“As a parent, stop and think, ‘Did I play with them today? What’s their day been like?’" said Michael Sereno, a father of two. "A lot of times, they’re just in need of attention.”

Being the example

While it might be hard to remember in the heat of the moment, the ultimate goal of the parent shouldn’t be to punish, but rather to teach. When a child is in tears over a parents' refusal to drive thru McDonald's, or screaming and flailing around when the TV is turned off, it’s actually a golden opportunity to show them how to regulate their own emotions.

While tantrums are typical childhood behavior, their little eyes are still watching their parents' to learn acceptable behavior. So when kids are strapped in their car seats and driving down the road, think twice before blowing up at the guy who cuts you off.

Keep in mind, there isn't a perfect formula for tantrums, or for dealing with any discipline problem. What works for one parent, may not work for another.

Do what works for you and your family, always keeping your child's best interest at heart.

Nicole Pollard currently resides in Canyon Country, Calif.

Related topics