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SALT LAKE CITY -- Counselors say it can be very frustrating when we feel our spouse isn't paying attention to us because they're watching TV or reading their emails. But BYU Adjunct Faculty Heather Johnson says we shouldn't be too hard on our spouses if their minds are somewhere else.
"It's thinking about the other person and as soon as we can start doing that, we won't take offense so much," she said.
Source: MSNBC -- Our gadgets make us 'deaf' to the world, study confirms
Researchers at Oxford played a brief tone while participants in their study looked at a visual task display. For people that had a high-visual-load, 79 percent of them failed to hear the tone. Researchers say this was significantly more than in the low-load condition group. They highlighted, "the level of load on visual attention as a critical determinant of this phenomenon." Before anyone thinks this is only a problem with men, Johnson says wives and mothers do this sort of thing, too. Basically, she doesn't believe one gender is more prone to inattentional deafness than the other.
Regardless of who has it the worst, it can lead to problems. Johnson says if one spouse is feeling ignored, the other needs to explain they'll be distracted and won't be able to pay undivided attention until the task or show is over.
"You didn't say, ‘I choose the TV over you.' You were already in the moment, already doing it, already engaged," she explained.
There has to be some middle ground. Johnson says the spouse who wants to sit and watch TV can't put off talking with their spouse until all of the shows they want to watch are done for the night. Plus, the spouse who wants to talk shouldn't expect to be able to interrupt their loved one's favorite show simply because they want to chat about their day.
But Johnson says if you promise to give your spouse your undivided attention when the task is over, you'd better keep that promise.
"The key, then, is to really give that full attention. If we're constantly telling our spouse, ‘Once the show is over, we can chat,' or, ‘(During) the commercial, we can chat,' and we don't, then they won't believe or trust us," Johnson said.
One of the best things we can do for a marital relationship is to find a way to talk for 15 minutes daily.
–Heather Johnson
Johnson has one big recommendation that seems to help married couples feel like their spouse understands and listens to them.
"One of the best things we can do for a marital relationship is to find a way to talk for 15 minutes daily," she said.
This has to be completely free of distractions. The TV and computers need to be off. Plus, the conversation can't be negative.
"This should be communications like, ‘How was your day? How are you doing?' It should be positive," she pointed out.
She says, if this conversation turns into a 15 minute lecture on, "How you never pay attention to me," or "How you keep nagging me all the time," then it's unlikely that both spouses will want to do it again.
E-mail: pnelson@ksl.com
