Busting 5 relationship myths

Busting 5 relationship myths

(YAKOBCHUK VIACHESLAV, Shutterstock)


Save Story
Leer en español

Estimated read time: 6-7 minutes

This archived news story is available only for your personal, non-commercial use. Information in the story may be outdated or superseded by additional information. Reading or replaying the story in its archived form does not constitute a republication of the story.

SALT LAKE CITY — Prior to being everyone's favorite contributor to KSL's sports page, I worked as a marriage and family therapist. In my years in that profession, as well as just spending time with family, friends and acquaintances, I've heard some myths that supposedly lead to a better marriage or romantic relationship. Here are a few of them and my rebuttals.

Relationship Myth 1: "Being in love means never having to say you're sorry."

This is one of the silliest myths there ever was. I don't know if it came from a cheesy romance novel or movie or what, but this is blatantly false. The opposite is actually true: being in love means you need to be quite skilled in the art of the apology.

Human relationships are tricky. You can take two people who are from the same family, who grew up with the same parents and in the same neighborhood and they could have very different personalities, opinions and life experiences. To think that you can pair up with another human being and expect to never have to say you are sorry is borderline insanity. If you are expecting this out of loving someone, you will be sorely disappointed.

Practice saying you are sorry. Learn how to do so in a sincere and non-defensive way. Try to avoid making excuses. It's inevitable in human relationships of value that you are going to have some misunderstandings and have a few disagreements and arguments. Which leads to the next myth.

Relationship Myth 2: "It's healthy and desirable to never have an argument or disagreement in your relationship."

When I was working as a counselor, couples would sometimes state that not having any arguments or disagreements in their marriage was their ideal. To this I would think, "OK, so who's dying first so that we can make this a reality?" If you don't disagree with your partner at least sometimes, you have either given up the ghost or you have given up on the relationship.

It is unnatural, as was discussed in the first point, to not disagree at least sometimes with your partner since you are not the same person or have the exact same ideas and life experiences. Disagreeing and even arguing is good and healthy for marriages and relationships if done correctly.

If someone stops expressing their desires and views when they contradict their partner's, that is cause for worry. Both partners need to have say in what happens in their relationship and with their lives. You can disagree passionately without being disagreeable and tearing the other person down. However, if things get too heated and mistakes are made, remember, again, to apologize.

Relationship Myth 3: "If it's true love, it will be easy."

We as human beings like easy. America is a great country and I readily admit that I enjoy many of the instant gratifications and luxuries we enjoy here. But relationships are not easy. They take work. They are supposed to.

Related:

Now don't get that twisted. If you're in a marriage and dealing with your spouse makes you feel like you just ran a marathon, you've got problems and you need to work on them together fast. But it takes effort to get to know about your loved one's interests, passions, dreams and fears. It takes sacrifice to give up some of the things you want for the betterment of the relationship. It takes work to build a life together. The attitude that marriage and relationships should be easy is a high predictor of eventual separation.

Relationship Myth 4: "If I love her/him enough, she/he will …"

If you get nothing else from this article, remember this point. This mindset is incredibly dangerous to the health of the relationship and can have some more dire consequences.

A common example of this happens where one person in the couple is devoutly religious and the other partner is not. Many times, the religious person will go into a relationship thinking "I like so many things about the other person. If I love him enough, he will join my church."

This kind of a relationship can become especially difficult if the couple marries. Most often, the non-religious person in the marriage will not change his level of religiosity despite his wife's pleas. This can leave both spouses feeling resentful. The religious partner is upset that her spouse will not take part in something that is of great importance to her. The non-religious spouse can become upset that his wife does not accept him the way he is or can feel judged.

While this scenario can cause high relational distress, there is a far more dire reason this myth is so dangerous. Every person I worked with in counseling that was with an abusive partner had this mindset to some extent. I have seen some women physically abused who were still convinced they could change their men with their love. It does not work that way.

While partners should grow and smooth out some of their rough edges while in a relationship, never agree to couple with someone who you feel you have to "fix" or make significant changes to and that your love is the cure.

Relationship Myth 5: "Once you're in a romantic relationship/marriage, you shouldn't spend time with your friends."

Being in a romantic relationship is different than being single. It just is. Naturally, the time you spend with your friends will and should decrease as you turn more of your focus to your partner. When you get married, if your marriage is healthy, you should be spending most of your free time with your spouse.

However, even when married, guys should still take some time to foster their friendships with their male buddies. Likewise, women should carve out time to enhance their relationships with their female friends. Men need male bonding time and women need time to unwind with their comrades.

Spending time building friendships outside of the marriage enhances the emotional health of both partners and also increases marital satisfaction. We as people are social beings and need friends and people we can connect to. While you should have common interests in your marriage, men and women often tend to have different interests that people from their same gender are more likely to share.

For example, my wife doesn't find it fascinating when I explain the WAR statistic in baseball. But my brothers and I have had some heated and enjoyable discussions about it. Talking (or yelling) to them about it allows me to explore an interest I am passionate about that my wife is not. Doing so helps me feel more fulfilled and it eases the burden from her of having to feign excitement. Thus, it helps my wellness and takes pressure off of our marriage. She also has friends that she talks to that can give her insights I cannot and enjoy discussing some of her interests that I am not really into.

Every couple will have to navigate how much time they will spend fostering same-gendered friendships and what that will look like (phone calls, lunch meetings, girls night out, etc.) but the point is that at least some is necessary.

What are some good and bad relationship tips you were given?


![Dylan Cannon](http://img.ksl.com/slc/2539/253958/25395882\.jpg?filter=ksl/65x65)
About the Author: Dylan Cannon ------------------------------

Dylan Cannon is a regular KSL.com contributor and can be reached at DylanCannon86@gmail.com or via twitter @DylanCannon11.

Related stories

Most recent Lifestyle stories

Related topics

Lifestyle

STAY IN THE KNOW

Get informative articles and interesting stories delivered to your inbox weekly. Subscribe to the KSL.com Trending 5.
By subscribing, you acknowledge and agree to KSL.com's Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.

KSL Weather Forecast