SALT LAKE CITY — I want a water heater. A normal, gas water heater.

I know that what I need is just a "normal one" because that is a question asked me by three of the agents I spoke with today over the phone. The conversations went like this:

“I want a water heater,” I said.

“A normal water heater?” they asked.

“Yes,” I said. Then I was placed on hold.

Frankly, I am not sure what a non-normal water heater is, but since I still have one more call to make for an estimate, I will ask. I'm working two phones here, and I’m currently on hold — all while writing.

I am talented like that.

The first estimate I received today was from Willy, and was for $700 with an additional $60 for delivery and installation. But then he added another $330 for an ”installation in the month of November” fee, $30 more for city broken-water-heater tax, additional for earthquake protection, and more for what I am assured is a snazzy leak pan.

Lastly, he made me pay $100 because I am a Republican — as if I wasn't paying through the nose for that already.

When he added a three-year extended warranty without asking me three “hold-pleases” later, I hung up — all of this from service agent Rude Willy at the "All We Need From You Is A Credit Card Water Heater Service Center."

Frankly, I may have been a wee bit biased from the beginning of the call when he told me I had a weird name, and that what I really wanted was a “cold water” heater because the water I needed to heat was probably already cold.

Still on hold to find out what a non-normal water heater is.

The next estimate was $1,700. I paid less for my youngest child.

Red-shirt Dave (he had on a red T-shirt that was extra long in length — important to us who have to stand behind those estimating as they bend over to … estimate) represented a company I heard about on the radio.

When I told him the money for the water heater was coming from my son's meat pie and Gatorade fund, he knocked $100 off the total.

Still too much.

Hold music is playing “Listen to the Rhythm of the Falling Rain.” I expect the next song will be about a yellow submarine.

Adrianna on the other phone from "Just Keep Swimming Plumbing" asked me if I was referring to a waterless water heater. I couldn’t see how that would serve our needs because water not being in the water heater is the current problem.

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When I am over my head, I do what any desperate, clever … did I say desperate? … father would do. I get out the leaf blower. I plug it in to the longest extension cord I can find, grab my earplugs, and clean the house one room at a time.

Adrianna then told me the good news — that I wouldn’t need tsunami protection because I lived far enough away from the Atlantic Ocean that I would save $13, and wasn’t that a good deal?

I read on the Internet, while on hold with Adrianna, that “waterless” heaters use high power to heat up the water as it runs through. Though there is a small savings per year, the unit costs much more than normal water heaters, and it takes 22 years to break even — longer than the life expectancy of most waterless models.

If "non-regular" means "waterless", then no can do. I need water in my water heater.

Next I call the man who owned the house before we did, who had said to contact him if we ever had a problem. And as he is on his way over, the city pops a leak for us in the waterline. The nice man in fishing gear who turned the water off for us informed us that the leak was on the property owner's side of the line. Then he shook his wet self on me like my dog, Meg. All for free.

No "Yellow Submarine" for those of us on hold. The next song, however, is the love theme from "Poseidon Adventure." I love Shelley Winters in that movie. “In the water, I am a very skinny girl.” Good stuff.

How on earth would I have ever done this several years ago with one land line? Especially where, today, that same land line is now underwater?

“Yes, I would like a water heater,” I say on the last call.

“Like, a normal water heater?” she says.

“Yes. Give me the price for a normal, gas, cold water heater with nothing extended — one that holds water and is fine in an earthquake but not in a tsunami — and, yes, I know my name is weird. Hello?”

A cheesy version of “Smoke on the Water” plays through the receiver for those who wait.

Prognostication, or just bad timing?

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Main image: The "Poseidon Adventure" group featuring Shellie Winters after an estimate on a new hot water heater. (Photo: Photofest)

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*Davison Cheney writes "The Prodigal Dad" series every week on ksl.com. See his other musings at davisoncheneymegadad.blogspot.com.**

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