6 tips for helping someone cope with the loss of a loved one

SALT LAKE CITY — On May 8, 2011, Lorinda Loveridge's life was shattered when her husband took his own life.

Within hours, her friends and neighbors rallied to show their support, helping with Loveridge's four young children and arranging meals. Dozens more wanted to assist the devastated family, but they didn't know how to help.

When friends enter the darkness of grief and loss, they can be hard to reach. But it is during those first painful days and weeks that they may need our friendship more than ever. Here are six tips on helping friends through the difficult grieving process.

1. Allow the friend to mourn in her own way, and in her own time.

When Kirsa Merrell's great-grandfather died, well-wishers from her faith told her not to cry. Why? Because of their belief that she would see him again someday in the afterlife.

Merrell said later, "Yes, I know I will see him again, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be sad. I still won't see him again for the rest of my life."

People who are grieving experience bereavement differently. According to the American Cancer Society, emotions can be all over the map: anxious, depressed, angry, numb and a combination of all of the above. Crying is a healthy part of the healing process, whether it has been five days or five years since the event.

Kaja Perina of Psychology Today says that the second year after a death is harder than the first, in part because of diminished social support. "People are told to 'snap out of it' just as they are beginning to come to grips with loss," Perina states. "Widows and widowers are urged to resume dating before they can even bring themselves to remove a spouse's personal effects from their nightstand."

Whether the grief lasts months or years, through the emotional cycles and the bumps of life, a friend can be a much-needed anchor of support.

2. Be available to listen, but don't force a conversation.

As people grieve differently, some may be ready to talk about their loss much sooner than others. Their moods and emotional needs may change from day to day or even from minute to minute. It can be an exhausting roller coaster ride for a well-meaning friend.

The American Cancer Society suggests being a good listener. If the person is ready to talk, listen. If they aren't, don't push things — it may take some time.

Related:

Chaplain says talking about death helps preparation, grieving

Susan Roberts spends a good amount of time around people in their last days of life.

3. Find a balance between dwelling on the person's loss and the distractions of everyday life.After those initial days of shock and adjustment, it may be hard to know what the friend wants to do or talk about. Some may want to get their mind off things, while others may feel that any attempts at distraction are only more hurtful.

Deena VanAusdal had a friend whose husband had committed suicide. She said, "A few days later (my friend's) co- worker called not to say she was sorry, but to let her know she was getting married." The grieving friend knew that her co-worker meant well, but it only added to the pain of her situation.

Trying to distract a grieving friend or even ignoring the issue may simply cause them to feel unimportant or passed over. A better option would be to genuinely show the person love and support, then ask what he or she feels comfortable doing or wants to talk about. Follow the friend's lead.

4. Avoid the simple answers.

Friends coping with loss may hear well-meaning comments such as, "Look at the bright side, at least you have two other kids," or, "He/she was needed more in heaven." But these seemingly reassuring words can be hurtful.

Merrell, after the death of her great-grandfather, said she wished she could respond, "I know he was needed in heaven, but I needed him more here."

She continued, "I feel like it happens a lot (in my religion). Since we believe so much in seeing people again, we just don't let ourselves properly mourn."

If we truly don't know what to say, it's fine to admit it. Saying, "I don't know what to say, but I am here to help," can mean a lot.

5. Avoid judgments.Loveridge said that the most hurtful thing she was told was that her husband was "in hell" because he had committed suicide.

Whether the loss is a result of a car accident, homicide, suicide, illness or something in-between, it usually isn't helpful for friends to inflict painful opinions about those involved. The emotional support offered needs to be focused on the suffering individual, and should be as unconditional and nonjudgmental as possible.

6. Don't wait for the friend to ask for help.

"Let me know if you need anything," is a kind phrase, but vague offers for help often aren't enough.

Theresa Rando, Ph.D., clinical director of the Institute for the Study and Treatment of Loss in Warwick, R.I., says,"They don't have the energy to reach out. We have to reach in."

Be specific. A more helpful offer would be, "Can I take your kids on Saturday so you can have some time to yourself?" or "Can I come by tomorrow morning and help clean up?"

It has been a long and difficult year since the Loveridge family lost a husband and father. But through the rough reminders and adjustments to their new life, friends and neighbors have lifted them in many ways.

What can we say, then, when a friend loses a loved one? Lorinda Loveridge advises that the best thing anyone can say is surprisingly simple:

"I love you."

For more information about helping others through the grieving process, see the American Cancer Society's website or Psychology Today's website.

Rebecca has written for Schooled Magazine, KSL.com and Deseret News. Her first book, How to Have Peace When You're Falling to Pieces, will be released in spring 2013.

Related topics