SALT LAKE CITY — Although boundaries often have a negative connotation, in relationships they are essential. How you set them is crucial to their success.

Know when to set them

This isn't for small things like "she forgot to pick up my favorite shaving cream, again." Boundaries are helpful when you feel taken advantage of, resentful, not seen or heard; or experience repeated issues and behaviors that are negatively affecting the relationship.

In the book "Boundaries in Marriage," by Townsend and Cloud, the authors share that we don’t marry to complete each other, we marry to create a unique third entity. To me, that's like a Venn diagram with each individual bringing to the marital table who they are so he or she can be more fabulous than they could become alone. When there’s friction, the authors suggest if people in the relationship have set boundaries, the relationship grows.

Set them kindly

First, check that it’s not just lack of awareness. If it isn’t, then boundaries need to be reasonable, clear and based on what you will or will not do. They are set with love and clarity. They are not a punishment, but they will likely be perceived that way. People don’t like change or to shift, but you’re creating change for yourself, not forcing a person to change.

Try doing these three things:

• Share how you feel in a calm, loving way.
• Share what you can and can’t do.
• Be supportive and appreciative when the boundary is respected.

Applying boundaries to issues in marriage

Let's apply the above to specific situations.

Perceptions: If you feel you don't have a voice or an opinion that matters, consider saying: "I’m happy to talk about this topic if we take turns just listening to each other for 5 minutes each.” Then set a timer and listen; or, if you feel you deal with constant last-minute stress from a spouse, you can say: "I don’t prefer to do things last-minute. So, on your project I am happy to help you up until this date. After that, I won’t be able to help you."

Communication: Ask yourself first what you need or desire so you can be specific in sharing. If you want more of a helping partner, then perhaps say: “This is what a partner looks like to me: Someone who helps get the children down at night or spends time with them while I’m making dinner.” Share clear, non-threatening needs to help in understanding.

Time: As Townsend and Cloud state, healthy couples are each other’s cheerleaders. They support and encourage one another's dreams and pursuits. I enjoy how The Pioneer Woman (aka Ree Drummond) embraced her future husband's rugged ranching world. However, she still pursued personal interests — just in a different and unique way. Now she shares her recipes, photography, children’s books and life musings on her blog.

Don’t wait on pins and needles for your spouse to see the need first. Talk about what you desire and what you can and can't do. For example, you can say: "I need some personal joy time. I’d love to take this art class once a month. What day would work best for our family schedule?”

Rejoice in success

This is where the “be supportive and appreciative when a boundary is respected” part comes in. For example, you could say, "I really enjoyed our conversation last night. I felt heard and seen, that you cared about my feelings, and that your calm listening manner made me feel heard."

Boundaries take patience, learning and sometimes tough love, but through consistency and love, they can create a newfound freedom in a relationship.

Connie Sokol is an author, speaker, TV contributor and mother of seven. Contact her at www.conniesokol.com.

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