SALT LAKE CITY — In this edition of LIFEadvice, Coach Kim addresses a new way to forgive yourself that involves changing the way you see life and yourself completely.

Question:

I have made so many mistakes and I can’t repair the damage of my bad choices. My self-esteem is awful because I can’t forgive myself. How can I let these mistakes go when the reality of what I did is so bad? The fact is my value (especially in the eyes of other people) is forever affected by my choices. I know you say that my divine value is infinite, but what good is that if everyone sees me as a bad person?

Answer:

It will only make a difference if you believe it does.

I believe you are not the sum of your past decisions and your value isn't affected by your mistakes. But these ideas have no power unless you decide they are truth for you. Trust me. You can see yourself and your life in a new way that will lessen the pain you are experiencing, and your changing your mindset may affect the way others see you.

Self-forgiveness is extremely important because it impacts the amount of love you have to give to others now. Here are my five secrets to forgiving your past mistakes:

1. Change how you see lifeMost of us were subconsciously taught as children that this world is a bunch of massive chaos caused by free agency and lots of bad things happen here, so we should be afraid of life all the time. You have the power to choose a different mindset though, one that would cause less suffering and create more love and motivation. You could choose to see the universe as a safe place and a wise teacher, which only brings experiences that will make you wiser, stronger and more compassionate. You could choose to believe there are no accidents and the universe is conspiring with your free agency to serve and educate you, always providing your perfect classroom and teaching you the lessons you need.

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We honestly can’t prove either theory is truth, so you get to choose which mindset would serve you more and make you a better, more loving person. I recommend trusting the universe and seeing life as a classroom and a safe place.

1. Change how you determine your valueAs a child you were taught that life is a test and your value is on the line and in question. You were taught that your value is determined by your appearance, your performance, and what other people think of you. These three factors have, therefore, become way too important. Your self-worth is now wrapped up in them. Again, this is just a perspective. You could choose to see life as a classroom, not a test. In a classroom, your mistakes don’t affect your value, because they are just lessons. You signed up for these lessons (by making those mistakes) because they were the exact lesson you needed. This means your specific mistakes, for some crazy reason, are serving you and everyone else affected by them. It may look like they only hurt the people around you, but at some level they are providing the perfect lesson that person needs. This doesn’t mean you should keep hurting them. You should learn the lesson, make amends where you can, and then move on, and in time they will have to do the same. You must trust the universe it knows what it's doing. You have the power to see your value as based on your uniqueness as an irreplaceable, one-of-a-kind, divine soul, who is here in school but whose value is not tied to the lessons. You could see your appearance, performance and what others think as interesting classes that don’t affect your value. This isn't about some cosmic divine value either. I am talking about how you feel about yourself every day. You can decide your value is safe and in doing so you will feel better. But it is up to you to decide. No one else can determine your value to you. You choose it.
2. See experiences as locations on the journeyIf we went on a road trip across the country, we might have to drive through Texas. Texas is a big state, and it takes a long time to drive through. We might even have car trouble and get stuck there for a few days. This is my question, during this time, are we Texans? Of course not. Texas is just a location you are passing through, being there doesn’t change who you are.

Related:

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I have a 16-year-old son who has depression and feels like life is not worth living sometimes. He is on Effexor, and has been in LDS counseling, but we are seeking more help for him. Could you address this in one of your articles?

Life works the same way. The mistake experiences you have been through do not determine who you are. They don't change you. They are locations along your journey (classes you got signed up for) and even if you get stuck there awhile, you are still the same one-of-kind, amazing soul you always were and will always be. At least you can see it this way if you want to.

1. Choose a criticism or a compassion mindsetYou get to choose a mindset towards people in this life, and there are only two options. If you choose a criticism mindset, you are going to be a critic and judge yourself and other people all the time. In this place you will be giving power to the idea that life is a test and we can fail it. Or you can decide to see life as a classroom and let everyone (including yourself) be a struggling, scared, amazing, divine, infinitely valuable being who is doing the best they can with what they know. A compassion mindset includes seeing life as a classroom and letting all of us be innocent learners. This mindset will make you feel good about yourself and you will also treat others with compassion and understanding. How do you want to live?

1. What other people think doesn’t matter; what you think does, and it will influence what others thinkYou are giving the opinions of other people too much power. Their thoughts are just ideas in their heads that can’t hurt you, diminish you or change you in any way. (They could influence the opportunities you have, but if you trust the universe is a wise teacher, you don’t really worry about that, because you will only get your perfect lessons.) This means what other people think of you is irrelevant, but what you think matters a lot. If you know life is a classroom and your value is safe, you will show up with confidence and love that other people will feel. When they feel this fearlessness inside you, they will feel your strength and they will gain subconscious respect for you. Even if you have made big mistakes in the past, if other people can feel that you have learned the lessons, moved on, and know your value now, they will tend to follow suit and let your past go. If you cannot do this and continue to beat yourself up, they will sense this too, lose respect for you, and hold onto your mistakes. You can influence what they think. (Though what they think doesn't matter.)

I know it may see difficult right now to take control and change your mindset around your past — but you can do it with work and practice. (If it seems too hard you may want to seek some professional help.)

Gary Zukav, who wrote "Seat of the Soul," said, “By choosing your thoughts and by selecting which emotional currents you will release and which you will reinforce, you determine the quality of your light. You determine the effects that you will have upon others and the nature of the experiences of your life.”

You can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular coach and speaker.

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