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SALT LAKE CITY — Years ago I had my own terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day and talked to a friend about it.
As I broke down in emotional waves over a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, my friend listened intently, nodding in understanding. She responded with things like, “You’re kidding,” and “I would have told them to eat rocks,” and other appropriate phrases. Obviously, this was a conversation with a woman.
Later, when I related the same incident to my husband I got, “Really?” “Really?” and an all-out “Hmm.”
The sooner women understand that men will never communicate like our girlfriends, no matter how sensitive and validating they may be, the sooner we will appreciate the unique style of our spouses (and how similarly verbal our girlfriends are).
The sooner women understand that men will never communicate like our girlfriends, no matter how sensitive and validating they may be, the sooner we will appreciate the unique style of our spouses.
Fast forward many years and my husband is now a stellar communicator, even reminding me (sometimes inconveniently) of key principles such as validation and eyeballs. But this took time and practice for both of us.
Appreciating communication differences doesn’t have to be insurmountable. As women, we need to be clear about what we desire and how it can be fulfilled, without always looking to our husbands to fulfill it.
Translation: Figure out what you need. This can be a challenge because my needs change about every 24 seconds, negating what I barely told my husband yesterday about what I really need from him.
For example, yesterday I told him, “But what I really need you to do is ask me what’s wrong.” However today, at 3:42 p.m., he is asking repeatedly what is wrong and it is annoying. I said, “Stop asking me what’s wrong — what I really need is for you to hold me.”
You see where this is going. I don’t want a husband; I want a psychic.
Related:
4 ways to open up communication with your partner
The ability to argue well could increase the chance of happiness in your relationship by tenfold, a new study says.Remember, both men and women are working with their best understanding, with the tools at their disposal. A while ago, I read a humor column that suggested a man might be 25 years behind women emotionally.
On the other hand, I've also heard it said a woman experiences a hormonal swing every 38 minutes (or was it 38 seconds, or 38 swings ... ). My husband knows that when I break down sobbing over a twisted vacuum belt, there are some things he will never understand about the female gender.
When a man and woman share communication needs, it makes connecting more effective. Try asking your partner one thing that would aid communication for him or her; e.g., a pause, an eyeball, a blink. Learning each other’s bottom line leads to more effective listening, expressing and even, hopefully, enlightenment.
I experienced one such “light-bulb moment” after worrying I was unintentionally aggravating my husband because of my chattiness. When I asked him what he thought about this, he honestly replied that he loved to hear me talk; it helped put him to sleep.
Connie Sokol is an author, speaker, TV contributor and mother of seven. For more, visit www.conniesokol.com.
