Parents' guide to getting through the kids' break-up

SALT LAKE CITY — Last month, my wife and I got a text message from my son’s girlfriend, Samantha, saying that she really liked hanging out with all of us and would miss us.

Miss us? Was she moving? Did she have that illness that eats the flesh off her little texting fingers? Had we offended her in some way? And more importantly, just what had my son done?

We glared at him for most of the evening (my daughter gives a mean evil eye) until my wife dared broach the subject: “So, does this mean that there will be no grandchildren?” she asked, almost in tears.

My son, Ihoma, was not surprised that the entire family knew, and he sadly handed us his phone. Immediately my daughter starting downloading the information — reading it out loud while I coded it on the white board as we moved from text to horrifying text.

They want to see other people? What on earth for? They should slow things down a little? What else do they have to do at age 17? Just who gave them this rubbish, this trashcan of advice?

Ihoma and Sam — such a cute couple. I closed my eyes and watched them strolling down memory lane, holding hands. I thought of future family dinners, a nice farmhouse, a lovely mother-in-law apartment out back by the pool and an all-glass greenhouse named after me. I thought of my bills being happily paid by my son.

I saw blond, prejudice-defying Mormon-Muslim grandchildren at birthday parties — gone in a poof. I refused to accept it.

By that time I had worked myself up from denial to a real tizzy. How could my son’s girlfriend do this to me? And how long was I going to have to ground Ihoma before he made up with her so our family could go on as I had planned it?

I proposed a deal to my son. I told him I would buy him his own Xbox that he could keep in his room and a month's supply of frozen pizzas to horde if he would try to make up with Sam. No go.

I upped the offer to include me taking some of his chores off of his hands. Still nothing.

When I finally saw the writing on his bedroom wall — just to the left of his "Transformers" poster — I cried for a week. When a really good Visa commercial came on TV, or whenever I heard Paul Harvey’s voice, I became, what is called in the industry, a real loon.

Grief and grieving for a loss

It wasn’t until my wife pointed it out that I realized I was experiencing the classic stages of grief. You may be aware of them. They are the steps that people experience whenever they are going through a divorce or a death in the family.

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, Numbness, Disorganization. It's a classic list, and a little annoying.

Just acknowledging that I was grieving and being able to attach a name to what was happening took some pressure off me, and my wife as well. It seemed to validate our pain. We really liked Sam.

Though I had never suffered this particular relationship situation, I had had break-ups before and I could apply some of that experience to this circumstance. I seemed to follow the classically annoying list, following the structure pretty closely. Many, however, do not.

There is no right way or a wrong way to deal with loss, be it death, divorce or the dreaded break-up. There is not a set pattern to every-ones bereavement. And when you have finished going through it and everything seems "normal," something will trigger an emotional response and you may feel the pain all over again.

Keep these four things in mind:

1. There is no due date to having this loss resolved, and the steps are not mandatory. Some of them took me 5 minutes before I passed on to the next, and sometimes I went back to one I thought I was through with. Take the time you need.
2. There is nothing that says that you have to go through loss alone. Keeping these feelings to yourself can send your stress level off the charts, as well as reduce your ability to function. Unresolved, it will actually get in the way of healing and creating new relationships.
3. Try to establish a new relationship (not that the proverbial new puppy gets rid of the loss of a metaphorical beloved pet). Love, however, begets love, so be open to something new.My wife wants to invite Sam over for a baby shower, and I think it's a good idea. Ihoma may or may not be there. It will be his choice, and we will certainly talk it over with him before we take any action. Just being friends is still a relationship.
4. The fourth thing? It's for me, really. I need to remember that it's not always about me. I really wanted that pool and greenhouse.

*

*Mr. Cheney is old, but writes good stuff every week for "The Prodigal Dad" series on ksl.com. See his other writings at davisoncheneymegadad.blogspot.com and Twitter @DavisonCheney.**

Related topics