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SALT LAKE CITY — Life is a complicated and messy endeavor. In LIFEadvice, Life Coach Kim Giles is here to help you with simple, principle-based solutions to the challenges you face. Coach Kim will empower you to get along with others and become the best you.
Question:
How can I teach my children to be kind to people who are different from us? I am noticing a tendency to put down or find fault in others, in order to feel “better” about themselves. My son may in fact be a bully. I’m not sure how this started in our family, but could you give us some advice for changing it?
Answer:You are battling a subconscious tendency we all have to divide ourselves from other people and see them as the enemy. We all have a tendency to see other people as the bad guys and ourselves as they good guys. It doesn’t even matter what the criteria of division is; we latch onto anything that sets us apart as better or smarter than others.
We divide ourselves into Republican vs. Democrat, black vs. white, gay vs. straight, and more. Our personal takes and preferences are even used to divide us: Coke people vs. Pepsi people, Mac people vs. PC people, mayo people versus vs. whip people, and even Team Edward vs. Team Jacob.
We create these divisions by choosing an enemy (someone or something to fight against). If we can find another group of people to make the bad guys, that makes us the good guys, right?
This fear-based tendency is the root cause of most of the problems on the planet. War, racism, prejudice, gossip, backbiting and bullying all come from our ego’s need to think we are better than other people. Most of this behavior is driven by our fears of not being good enough. We create these divisions hoping they will give us a sense of self-worth, hoping the divisions make us better or more special.
We create these divisions hoping they will give us a sense of self-worth, hoping the divisions make us better or more special. ... We can be oblivious to the fact that what we have in common is much bigger than any category that divides us.
They don’t.
In reality, we are all the same.
We are all unique, divine, irreplaceable, infinitely valuable souls, fighting our way through life, scared and struggling most of the time, doing the best we can with what we know, but often not knowing very much. We can be oblivious to the fact that what we have in common is much bigger than any category that divides us.
Here are some suggestions for teaching your children to see other people accurately (as the same as them) with compassion and wisdom:
- You must model compassionate behavior yourself. Kindness is taught by example. Your children must hear you being tolerant, kind and patient with people who are different from you.
- Never gossip about or put down other people. This sends the message it’s OK to criticize others and see them as less than you.
- Discourage teasing in your family. Teasing is often hostility and judgment in disguise. If you think it’s funny to put others down as a joke, you give your children license to do the same. Help children see other people accurately by understanding why they behave the way they do.
- Praise the good in other people. Validate, honor and respect their right to their opinions.
- Help children see the beauty in uniqueness and variety. A world full of different colors, talents and opinions is a beautiful thing. Celebrate the beauty of other cultures, ideas and opinions in your home. Encourage children to think for themselves and form their opinions while respecting others.
- Talk about truth. When you see others making bad choices, explain that everyone is doing the best they can with what they know — they just don’t always know much. Never refer to other people as stupid. Show your children an example of compassion for people who are struggling.
- Apologize when you are wrong. This shows children there is no shame in being wrong. It’s OK to admit when you make bad choices and it doesn’t make you a bad person. We are all a work in progress.
- Encourage children to celebrate other people’s wins. Their good fortune doesn’t take anything away from you. It doesn’t diminish you in any way. Help your children find joy in cheering for other people — especially each other.
- Don’t criticize "rich people" or "poor people." Help your children understand that we have the same value. We just have different strengths and we are on a different journey and learning different lessons.
- Praise children for being kind. Help them understand that their appearance, property and performance don’t determine their value — their character does. Praise them more for being a good person than you do for their successes and wins.
Help them see other people as the same as them by doing so yourself. No one is better or worse than you are. Different does not have to divide us. We are all different, yet we have the same infinite value.
Hope this helps.
Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes Clarity: seeing yourself, others and situations accurately.
