SALT LAKE CITY -- Life is a complicated and messy endeavor. Life Coach Kim Giles is here to help you with simple, principle-based solutions to the challenges you face. Coach Kim will empower you to get along with others and become the best you.

Question:

My sister said something cruel about me to my daughter. My sister has judged me unfairly and has no compassion for my situation. I’m so hurt. It is eating me alive; I can’t stand to even be around her. Should I confront her and tell her how I feel, or try to forgive her and let it go? I’m not sure I can let it go. I can’t figure out how to handle this one. Could you help me?

Ask Coach Kim

Do you have a question for Coach Kim, or maybe a topic you'd like her to address? Email her at kim@lifeadviceradio.com .

Answer:

Every day I am asked for advice on how to handle situations when someone gets offended, mistreated, hurt or ticked off by someone else. Apparently, this happens all the time.

If you can learn to appropriately respond to this kind of mistreatment, you will be capable of handling most of life's problems. Here are some simple steps to follow whenever someone does you wrong.

1. Step back and don’t take it personally. All bad behavior is a request for love. It is a bad request for love, but it is one nonetheless. So don't waste your time and energy defending yourself, because you don't need to. Instead, you could choose not to be offended. It’s not about you. Your sister probably feels the need to put you down so she can feel superior. She is suffering from self-esteem problems. Don’t take her problems and make them yours. Just because she is painting you as the bad guy, it doesn’t mean you are. I guarantee you this: Your sister is hoping you will behave badly, too, so she will have more proof about how bad you are. Instead, try responding with love. For one thing, love will completely throw your sister off. Love is the last thing people expect when they have been unkind. If you show love instead of getting defensive, it will knock her off balance and take all the steam out of her attack. When you choose love, even when someone doesn’t deserve it, you make them own their bad behavior and you show them the kind of person you are choosing to be.

Related

LIFEadvice: Making sure you're not the problem

Coach Kim answered this question: "Sometimes you may think the other person is wrong, even though it is really you with the problem. Don't we need to take a good look at ourselves, instead of blaming everything on the other person? How do you know if you are the one who is deluded by your perspective or if they are?"

1. Don't cast "good guys" and "bad guys." You must step back from this and make sure you are seeing your sister as the same as you.As human beings, we have a tendency to cast other people as "good guys" or "bad guys" in every situation. When someone offends you, you immediately make them into the "bad guy" so you can be the "good guy." This is never accurate. In real life, there are no "good guys" and "bad guys." There are just a bunch of flawed, scared, struggling human beings. Your sister has flaws, but you have flaws, too. You cannot cast the first stone. You are both works in progress, and this situation is just a lesson for both of you. It is showing you things about yourself and giving you an opportunity to chose who you want to be. Choose to be mature, wise and loving.
2. Trust that your value is not on the line. Being offended is about defending yourself. The question is, Do you really need defending? Is your value even on the line? It may feel like it is, but in reality your value is infinite and absolute. Nothing anyone says can change your value.With this mindset, you can address the issue with love because you are not worried about you. You are the same regardless.
3. Trust in your perfect journey. Your life is constantly providing you with experiences to learn and grow. This experience is one of those.What is this situation showing you about yourself that could help you to become a better person? If you can figure this out, it will change how you respond. Jesus Christ taught us how to handle offenses with compassion, love and wisdom. He was accused of crimes he didn’t commit, and when his accusers were bearing false testimony against him, he didn’t defend himself. He knew it wouldn’t do any good because it wasn’t about him. He didn’t take offenses personally. He said, “Father, forgive them. They know not what they do.” The people who offend you are doing the best they can with what they know at the time. The problem is. they don’t know very much. They know not what they do. Your sister is afraid and misinformed, and she is taking it out on you. Don’t take it personally. Trust that your value isn’t on the line. This offense is here to help you learn about love. You will become a better person from this experience. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker.

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