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SALT LAKE CITY — Is it ever OK to teach a child to fight? Ever? What if he’s being punched? If his sister is being punched? I put that difficult question to the women on an episode of A Woman’s View earlier this year.
“I look at my own kids and their friends, and my advice is always the same,” author and speaker Emily Freeman said. “There is someone you can turn to for help. If you’re in that situation, find a resource who can give you council or advice to get through the tough time.”
I pushed her.
“But what if he’s been bullied, and it’s gone on for some time, and he’s actually being hit? At some point do I tell him, ‘Go ahead honey, take a swing at him!’?” (Because I gotta tell ya . . . I want to tell him that.)
When it escalates to a fight, if you throw a punch, you're in as much trouble as the person who started it. So it ends up not working out for you in the end. And the hurt isn't limited to the people involved. It hurts the people who are watching and do nothing.
–Emily Freeman, author and speaker
She stuck to her guns.
“When it escalates to a fight, if you throw a punch, you’re in as much trouble as the person who started it. So it ends up not working out for you in the end. And the hurt isn’t limited to the people involved. It hurts the people who are watching and do nothing.”
That is such a good point. What about the kids who are hurt just by witnessing the fight?
“It’s so uncomfortable for the kid watching," said Sig Evans, program director of Salt Lake Behavioral Health. "I don’t particularly like the kid being bullied. He may bug me, too. But I’m not inclined to bully myself. It’s not in my nature, but if I intercede, then I could start getting picked on. Or should I join in and bully, too?”
Should I join in? Really? Would my child actually consider that as an option?
Maybe. How scary a thought is that!
“Even with little kids, you can ask them what animal represents the feelings they’re having when they’re feeling angry,” Evans explained. “Is that the bear in you you’re feeling right now? Kids have the skills to understand this.”
Maybe grownups do too. I think I was feeling that bear she was talking about just the other day.
I teach my child to fight back, but never to hit. When you see something wrong in the world, it's always OK to fight back. It's always right to fight for what is right, but not to hit people.
–Mayor Melissa Johnson, West Jordan
Melissa Johnson, the mayor of West Jordan, answered the question of is it ever OK to teach a child to fight in this way: “I teach my child to fight back, but never to hit. When you see something wrong in the world, it’s always OK to fight back. It’s always right to fight for what is right, but not to hit people.”
Brilliant. Yes. That’s it exactly.
We must give our kids the skills to fight, but without fists or without cruel Facebook posts.
Mayor Johnson explained further: “You have to give your kids skills to battle aggression with humor or battle aggression with reasonable words.”
This is where I’ve landed. I want to teach my boys, who fight with each other more than I’d like to admit, to fight for what is right with humor and reason with thought and intelligence. I want them to think of themselves as smart enough to handle a situation without using their fists. I want them to be brave with their minds and their hearts without needing (hopefully) to involve their precious little bodies. I want to teach them that while soldiers fight bad guys with guns and Jedi Knights fight bad guys with light sabers, they should fight bad guys with the power of their words.
This is going to be a challenge.
Challenge or no, this is my plan. If it doesn’t work, I’ll see you in the ER, at which point I will go back to my original idea of telling them to go ahead and take a swing at him, but only in self or other defense and never for pleasure.
That’s what punching bags are for . . . and Star Wars Wii.
Email: adickson@ksl.com
