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SALT LAKE CITY -- In March, a video surfaced on YouTube that many parents called a punch in the gut. It showed a California mom encouraging her teenage son to fight another boy she said was a bully. The video went viral; the mother went to jail, arrested on charges of child endangerment and contributing to the delinquency of a minor.
And while fighting is not something most parents would egg on, or even encourage, many still ask the question, "when is fighting OK?"
"I think as parents we need to be very cautious," said Heather Johnson, professor of Family Studies at Brigham Young University. "We always want to teach our children not to fight. But we want to follow up by teaching them the importance of defending themselves."
We always want to teach our children not to fight. But we want to follow up by teaching them the importance of defending themselves.
–- Heather Johnson, professor of Family Studies, BYU
Johnson said when it comes to physical safety and self-defense, it's OK to support a raised fist.
"If they feel they are physically going to be harmed, they need to defend themselves and, as parents, we need to be open to that idea," Johnson explained. "When they say that's an approach they had to take, and it's legitimate, we need to support that. We never want our children to be in a position where they are being physically attacked and they feel they cannot protect or defend themselves."
But Johnson believes the defensive approach should start long before things ever get physical.
"They might mention a child who bothers them, or who picks on them," Johnson said. "Those are good warning signs we need to listen to. Sometimes we can get so caught up in what we're doing in the rest of our lives that we miss those cues."
And Johnson says we need to prepare even young children for those moments when they are provoked, or attacked. The best way, she believes, is to role play.
"If we can sit our children down and say, ‘If this person calls you a name, or if they say this to you, what will you do? How will you handle it?'" Johnson said.
She suggests rehearsing simple verbal, and non-verbal cues, such as:
- Standing tall, with your shoulders back.
- Don't show emotion.
- Use Firm, strong voices.
Johnson also emphasizes the greatest defense against bullying is strong self-confidence. She believes helping your child overcome challenges or involving them in activities where they will succeed will give them the self-confidence they need to be firm and outspoken when they need to.
"We have to realize bullying comes down to conflict management and teaching our kids to deal with conflict is a lifelong skill," Johnson explains. "The sooner we teach them to deal with conflict, the better off they'll be."
E-mail: bwalker@ksl.com
