How to know if your spouse is having an affair: Part 2

How to know if your spouse is having an affair: Part 2


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SALT LAKE CITY -- Discovering a spouse is cheating can be difficult, emotionally trying, and may require the help of professionals, but relationship experts say the actual realization of a loved one's infidelity is one of the most painful things someone can endure.

"He said that he loved me very much," one woman from Phoenix who wished not to be identified told KSL Newsradio. "He would always be there for me and never abandon me."

After learning about her husband's affair, the woman separated from her husband and was considering a divorce, but he told her he had reformed his ways.

However, later on she learned he had affairs with more than 100 women across the country.


I really need some physical evidence that he's manipulating me again and he's really not trying to get treatment.

–Victim of cheating spouse


"He's very manipulative -- I forget that sometimes," she said. "I would have just frantically worried about his state of mind and felt like perhaps I should do some kind of intervention -- because at the end of the day I'm still married to the man and I didn't want to see him suffering like that."

At the urging of her attorney and therapist, the woman hired a private investigator to see why her husband was really taking a trip to Salt Lake City in April.

"Still, it was really, really hard for me not to believe what he said to me," she said. "I said, ‘I really need some physical evidence that he's manipulating me again and he's really not trying to get treatment.'"

The investigators were able to take pictures of the man walking hand-in-hand with another woman.

"Is it addiction or is it bad behavior?" she questioned. "I think it's just bad behavior."

The Sex Addict

Doctors and the people who have experienced the phenomenon say sexual addiction is real.

"I obviously have no control over it," said a Salt Lake County addict who wished to be identified as "Jeff." "I'm like an alcoholic."

His addiction started with porn and ended up with him stepping out on his wife -- even with prostitutes.

His behavior one day simply hit him.


Oxycontin or some of your other drugs will damage a couple parts of the brain. Sexual addiction actually damages five major parts of the brain.

–Dr. Bernell Christensen


"It's when I saw my wife," Jeff said. "[I thought] I've got the perfect wife and I'm throwing it all away -- that's probably the point when I had the greatest realization of what I was losing by doing what I was doing."

Today, even "Jeff's" work computers are controlled with strict filter software. He doesn't have the password and he doesn't want the triggers.

"It's always there, it's a natural part of you -- but it's out of whack," Dr. Bernell Christensen told KSL.

At his Maximum Potential practice in Draper, and through his online venture, Candeo, Christensen tells clients sex addiction is similar to a drug addiction, only the addiction is to chemicals produced within the body.

"Oxycontin or some of your other drugs will damage a couple parts of the brain," Christensen said. "Sexual addiction actually damages five major parts of the brain."

Christensen says the normal region of the brain that would tell a person the sexual behavior associated with addiction is not OK is impaired.

The "pleasure center" in the brain is overwhelmed by the naturally-produced chemicals, and actually damaged to the point the area needs more and more stimulation to reach the desired feeling, Christensen says.

"You may start with pornography, have to go to harder pornography, you go to fantasy, then you go to strip clubs, then you go to affairs," Christensen said. "It starts increasing no different than a drug addiction."

Christensen says addicts get to the point they need to feel the "rush and feel of the forbidden," so they don't want to tell their wives or husbands.

"The exciting thing is we can help it -- we can change it," Christensen said. "Those parts [of the brain] that have been hurt and damaged -- they actually can be regenerated and brought back to normalcy."

Treatment includes helping the addict to understand brain science, working to create an internal motivation to stop, implementing something similar to a 12-step drug program, training how to break obsessive-compulsive cycles, and teaching relationship skills and how to connect with people.

"It takes time," Christensen said. "It takes practice every day to rewrite the habits of the brain and overcome addiction."

Christensen says overcoming a sexual addiction can be more difficult than overcoming alcohol or even heroine addictions. He says it can take one to two years for an addict to recover.

The Cheater

Therapists say the approach to treating cheating relationships is entirely different from treating a sex addict.

The emotions are agonizing for the other spouse.

"It's one of the most painful things that an individual can endure," said Kate Della-Piana, executive director of the Family Counseling Center in Murray.


If you begin to share more with someone else other than your spouse, often it's a big pitfall.

–Kate Della-Piana


After the realization, Della-Piana tells clients to give the relationship time and space before weighing the serious questions of how to proceed.

"Can we recommit to this relationship, are we going to see counseling?" Della-Piana listed.

Eventually comes the rebuilding process. Therapists say that also takes time and can end up being a process for a couple, or for individuals.

"There are lots of reasons people might decide not to continue this relationship," Della-Piana said. "It's absolutely a healthy choice in some cases."

Maintaining the relationship and avoiding trouble

Della-Piana recommends regular re-evaluations of marriages where spouses discuss difficult topics and sore spots like money, kids, sex and relationships with family and friends and determine whether they still hold a "shared vision" of their relationship. A regular check-up with a therapist doesn't hurt either, she says.

There is no perfect solution to guard against infidelity.

"I don't believe there is any 100 percent fail-safe," Della-Piana said. Still she advises avoiding the very first signs of trouble.

"If you begin to share more with someone else other than your spouse, often it's a big pitfall."

Della-Piana also warns about the use of texting and social networking sites, which she says are more frequently the source of so-called "Internet affairs."

"People can again use that as a method of becoming somewhat obsessive about establishing a relationship with someone else than their spouse," Della-Piana said. "It's so easy and, in some cases, it's actually anonymous."

E-mail: aadams@ksl.com

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