Prodigal Dad's health plan: 4 'crunch-ified' exercises you can do

SALT LAKE CITY — Many ksl.com readers have been fed up this week with the seriousness of being fat, or not being fat, exercising/not exercising, feeling put down because somebody thinks someone else may have implied that it was possible to be a good parent while chubby, or a bad parent and thin and I’m not really sure what else.

Emails from my email bag seem to agree. Marsha-sha Lastname from — what does this return address say? — Happy Friendly Town in generous America, wrote to me recently, saying:

Dear kind, svelte, neighboring human male: I would be friends you. Please send me pin number to the account we share in love.

Thank you to Ms. Lastname for reminding us to stop being so serious about exercise and weight issues.

How I stay so remarkably svelte without being funny

I, myself, am not an exercise freak. Freak, yes, but not for exercise. I climbed a tree last week on a dare from an 8-year-old skater dude and stayed there overnight until my wife rented a cherry picker — if that is any indication.

My daughter-in-law made me dinner with extra cheese and I sat right down and changed my will.

Exercise No. 1: Crunches

As far as exercise goes, crunches are about the only thing I see wisdom in. Crunches, for you who may not be as svelte as I, are half a sit-up. Half a sit-up is less than a sit-up, and therefore better. This type of math is called the crunch factor.

Crunch is also delicious when melted in the microwave and pored in all its chunky wonder over vanilla ice cream.

Exercise No. 2: The Credit Card Jump

With this crunch factor in mind — that half is better than a whole — I would like to present my second svelte-staying exercise: the credit card jump.

The CCJ is an exercise my eldest son perfected for his volleyball warm-up. (His apple didn’t fall off the tree, but sort of got stuck in a crevasse and stayed.) To do the CCJ, one places one's hands firmly on the chin-up bar and jumps slightly into the air about a credit card placed flat on the floor high. Hold. Then repeat.

At a distance it looks like you are doing a pull-up. That is the CCJ's charm. Do these until commercial break. Then, have crunch.

Exercise No. 3: The Up and Up

Next is the push-up, or a consolidated/crunched thing I like to call the up and up. Place two hands on the table while sitting on a chair — preferably padded and covered with clear plastic to keep your spandex from sticking.

Rather than all the negativity, the pushing away, try this instead: Lower your head to the table and touch both cheeks in a sort of welcoming Hollywood greeting. Then lift you head up as high as you can without taking your hinie off the cushion. Do these “up and ups.”

Good programs to watch while doing the “up and up” include CNN, or anything where anyone is interviewing a Democrat.

Exercise No. 4 (the exercise of all exercises): The Body Roll

Once you have had your fill of absurdest humor, make sure you wind down with what I call the “body roll.” It’s a lot like an “Iron Man” or a military “Burpee.”

This exercise is a graceful combination of a vertical jump, a squat and push-up. Historically, prisons are full of guys doing Burpees because no equipment is needed. It works the whole body, increases cardio endurance, and if done while sweating profusely and conversing with yourself, will keep others at a comfortable distance.

There are four steps to a successful Burpee

1. Kick feet behind you and drop to a push-up position.
2. Do a push-up, down and then back up.
3. Pull feet into a squat position.
4. Jump into the air, clap and yell “Burpee!”

Most people do one of these the first day, add one the second, and so on until they are either buff or dead.

To crunch-ify this exercise — consolidating it to its most important parts — here is what I do:

1. I start on the ground, because kicking my feet anywhere puts me all off balance. Frankly, I don’t like to face down because of all that negative energy you know — and because I didn’t vacuum — so I face up.
2. Then I do a push-up from a supine position, with my back to the ground.
3. Since this has probably made me a bit woozy, I skip to the clapping part and yell “Burpee.”
4. Repeat

There is no need to build up endurance. “Consistency is a foolish hobgoblin,” said Emerson, while believed to have been Iron Burping. Just do a few on one day and then a few on another day. The element of surprise can be refreshing in physical training.

Remember to clap your hands and scream “Burpee” when you finish (grandkids love this part), and then replenish and refuel. Make sure to turn off the TV, put any bowls you have dirtied in the sink, and move on with your day.

As we were gently reminded by Ms. Lastname, neither fat nor burpeeing is anything to laugh at, unless you are willing to exchange the bone you usually use to pick with for one a little more constructive.

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*Davison Cheney writes "The Prodigal Dad" series weekly on ksl.com. See his other writings at davisoncheneymegadad.blogspot.com and Twitter @DavisonCheney.**

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