SALT LAKE CITY — Just like you, I am actually very hardworking and productive. I get my work done on time, above reproach and with many a dotted "i" and crossed "t," Usually all of them.

But deep down, I have a secret desire — one that plagues many people: The unfulfilled desire to do absolutely nothing. If I could, that's what I'd do professionally, all day, every day.

But since I can't, I've devised a number of methods for doing nothing while appearing to do something, or falling seamlessly from hard work into play without noticing I have done so, or even straight up lying to myself about whether I am or am not in fact being productive in the traditional sense of the word.

Here are four tried and true ways to take all that energy you have as a healthy, happy human being and point it in thirteen directions at once. Actually, it's just one way, but there are four subcategories in an infinite array of possible subcategories. Sorry for misleading you. But if you play your cards right, these four are all you'll ever need.

One: The Interwebz

Subcategory: Facebook By Facebook I mean the entirety of social media as such, including Twitter and Pinterest and YouFace and FriendTube. On average, we all use Facebook about eight hours every month. But that has never been good enough for me.

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if you're like 89 percent of Americans, you're at least somewhat satisfied with your job — but you may not always feel that way. Even if you are a part of the 47 percent of Americans who are completely satisfied with their jobs, it may be difficult sometimes to get yourself to stay at work until six or deal with a micromanaging boss.

Instead of using Facebook to communicate with people that could improve my life like family, colleagues and a select group of close friends, I let everyone into the party. Every cat photo, niche meme and socially-conscious cause invitation is just a click away.

But you can't take advantage of all this without visiting the site much more than the "average" person. Instead, I decided to use Facebook as many as 8 hours a day. I visit the site a minimum of 20 times every hour. I like to click on it between each sentence I write.

Also, you should tweet as often as possible. Or better yet, just read the tweets of others, clicking on all the links you see. Again, a minimum of twenty visits every hour. This is important because there are a lot of things happening in the world, and you should know about them without regard to relevance or importance.

Which leads me to the second internet-related time sink ...

Subcategory: "Staying informed"/"Keeping up-to-date"/"Learning" There are an awful lot of people of in the world filling their time with things that aren't nothing, filling their schedules with specific tasks and defined responsibilities. One incredibly clever and somewhat ironic way to do the opposite of them is to know everything that they are doing at all times. As a journalist, it's my duty. And it's your duty as an educated, well-informed American.

There are thousands of stories written every day about President Obama alone, all with ever so slightly different information and word order. That's just one important person. Factor in all the other world leaders, scientists, academics and other movers and shakers, and you've got a virtually infinite number of things to stay up to date on, each more important as the last. Also, what did the president of France eat today, anyway? Twitter will know.

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The odds are good that if you are reading this while at work, you are probably not happy with your current employment, and you may not be giving your employer your best performance.

Don't forget about dead or obscure things either. Wikipedia, as of today, has 4,110,000 articles in English alone to peruse, each a detailed account of an important dead person who has an important effect on current events. Make sure you know what's going on with them these days. Four to five articles a day should suffice.

Subcategory: Netflix and all streaming video Whenever I need to clean my room, I make sure to have a my Netflix queue pulled up. At first, I'm working hard, organizing my stuff, doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen, etc., with an entertaining show merely filling in the space of the background. But before I even know it, something interesting happens and I'm sitting down watching season three of Parks and Recreation for the third time in a month. This is powerful stuff; I can go from working to watching in less than an hour without even trying.

Your average American spends one full day out of every month watching streaming video online. Strive to be better than average. Move all of your movie- and TV-based entertainment to your laptop and take it everywhere with you. Better yet, buy a 4G-enabled tablet. Like the young kids do. The young people always know what's up.

Subcategory: Music There is in fact a perfect band out there for every person, and a perfect song for every moment and even the most subtle feelings you have.

Yesterday, at one point, I felt a very deep sense of ennui combined with a nostalgic longing for the scent of my hometown during a rainstorm, along with a twinge of hunger for a burger. Believe it or not, there's a song for that, and if you're willing to spend an hour or so looking, that soundtrack will be cemented in your memory forever as one of the greatest moments of your life.

There's no need to look any further than Spotify for this.

If you need something to just space out to while you "brainstorm" for a minute about what the perfect food for this perfect lunch would be, Pandora's the way to go.

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