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I have noticed that we don't seem to know what to say to someone who is grieving. I have heard stories of some of the crazy things that people say to those who have just lost a loved one. "What you need is chicken soup." Huh?
My thought is, "Well, actually, I don't know that chicken soup is what I need when someone I love has just passed away." I think we don't know what someone needs in a time of grief. It is a time to get into them and try to figure out what might help. There isn't any one thing that is perfect for everyone. We are all different and what comforts one, doesn't comfort another, but I believe that there are a few things that are pretty universal. Here are some tips about being a comfort and support to someone in a time of loss.
First, nothing will fix this, so don't try. I have found that we are uncomfortable around someone who hurts. When they hurt, we hurt. We don't want to hurt and so we try to "make" them feel better. Grieving is a process. The only way to get through it is to GO through it. We need to allow them to grieve and to feel the pain and sadness of loss.
Secondly, be a companion during their grief. Those who are grieving often, though not always, want to talk. Allow them to talk. Don't fill the silence with your own thoughts and words and feelings. Allow the one suffering to express themselves. Sometimes this expression comes in the form of tears. We are most often uncomfortable with tears, but it is time that we change our attitude about crying. Tears are a way of expressing emotion and an integral part of healing. The emotion needs to come out in order to heal and process the loss. It is okay to cry. If we want to be a good friend, we need to allow the mourner to talk and to cry. We need to not be afraid of their words and emotions.
Lastly, serve the person who has felt this loss. Service is the best way to show our love. Kind acts speak louder than words. Their pain will continue for some time. If we can serve them during this extended time, it will do more to ease their sorrow than any words we could say to them.
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