Estimated read time: 4-5 minutes
- Heather Johnson advises parents to teach kids resilience against bullying.
- She emphasizes breaking predictable patterns and building strong friendships for protection.
- Johnson suggests practicing confident behaviors and involving family in teaching these skills.
SALT LAKE CITY — Bullying is a constant issue for children and teens, with recent reports showing that 80% of kids will be bullied before they turn 18, and 60% won't tell anyone.
KSL parenting contributor Heather Johnson said that while parents mean well, they often offer advice that misses the mark. She shared strategies to help parents bully-proof their kids.
Why 'just walk away' isn't enough
Often, parents' go-to advice is to tell children to ignore bullying or rise above it. Johnson warned that while this advice is well-intentioned, it can be harmful.
"What we're actually saying to them is we're not going to teach you how to handle conflict," she said. "We're not going to teach you what to do when something is uncomfortable, or how to stand up for yourself."
By telling kids to walk away, parents are not teaching them the strategies they need to be able to navigate through bullying.
"We have an emphasis where we're busy teaching them to be empathetic, which is good," Johnson said. "But we're not teaching them how to not be a victim."
Instead of only teaching kids to be kind, Johnson urged parents to focus on teaching them to be ready and not be a target.
What it means to be bully-proof
Johnson said that teaching a child to become bully-proof doesn't mean they won't face bullying. She compared bully-proofing to waterproofing.
"It doesn't mean they don't ever get rained on," she said. "It means that when they get wet, they can handle the rain. They can handle the water, and the water doesn't do any long-term damage."
She emphasized that bully-proofing a child allows them to handle bullying when it does happen, and those experiences won't impact them long term.
Defining bullying
Johnson also noted that when parents think of bullying, they often go to extremes where maybe a child is relentlessly picked on.
"Bullying doesn't have to go that far to be bullying," she emphasized. "You could have a child who's in fourth grade who has someone who says the same really unkind thing and isolates them every day about something. That's bullying."
Bullying in adulthood
As adults, Johnson pointed out that we face similar things. Parents often think that bullying happens to kids and they'll grow out of that phase of life. She said that's not true.
"We have to deal with uncomfortable people who maybe handle things in ways that we don't agree with and push and poke bullies our whole lives," Johnson said.
Recognizing and breaking patterns
Bullies look for predictable patterns, Johnson explained. She shared several things bullies latch on to:
- Isolation
- Hesitating to respond
- Being uncomfortable
- Not making eye contact
- Not showing up with everyone else
Because patterns are predictable, they're also preventable. Johnson recommended teaching children to break these patterns by practicing confident behaviors:
- Walking into a room with head high
- Making direct eye contact
- Keeping shoulders back
- Standing tall
- Saying words with strength and power
"Bullies don't like that," she said. " They're looking for people who fall into patterns who don't do those things."
Everyday practice
Johnson encouraged families to involve grandparents in teaching these skills that aren't often emphasized anymore.
"Let's look each other in the eye when we talk," she said. "Speak up and raise your voice when you're answering me."
Even small moments, like ordering food at a restaurant, can be opportunities to build confidence and help break the patterns.
Friendship as a shield
Strong friendships can be a part of the solution.
"Bullies isolate, and strong friendships protect," Johnson said.
She emphasized that kids don't know how to build those strong friendships unless parents are teaching them the small things.
"They're not sure how to step into a group that already exists and listen. They're very quick to rush in and express their opinion. That makes it hard for them to have friends," Johnson explained. "They're not sure how to compromise. They don't know how to communicate. They don't know how to share ideas in one of these settings. So we need to teach them how to have those strong friendships."
Building resilience
Johnson said resilience is a huge piece to bully-proofing.
"This is the space where you will face it and deal with it," she said. "Can we make sure that we don't allow it to mean something about us?"
She emphasized that parents need to be good examples of this mindset.
"Someone else mistreating them doesn't mean anything about them," Johnson said. "They've got to have that ability to bounce back."
