Estimated read time: 2-3 minutes
BEARMAGEDDON HQ — I'd first like to thank all of you for taking a few moments to get yet another update on Bearmageddon.
Things have been heating up the last year with bears blatantly stealing intel and Amazon purchases right off our porch to these furry foes taking over our favorite napping spots. What I have for you today is both a bit of good news and bad news.
This video was taken by John Holden, one of our human soldiers in the fight against the Bearpocalypse. Holden came home one day to find the front door open and sounds coming from inside. As he stepped into the kitchen of his Sierra Madre, California, home he found a bear on the counter eating his leftover chicken.
I have to hand it to Holden, who is clearly one of our braver humans as he stood his ground. He filmed the intruder and scared it off, as well as another bear in the house and a third bear that was outside. He should receive a medal from the HATBAATBR, or Humans Against The Bearpocalypse And All Things Bear Related, for what he's done. (Please allow four to six weeks for delivery, Holden. We don't currently have the funds to send things overnight.)
The bad news is obviously the fact that bears are breaking into our homes and brazenly eating our food and making a mess — in broad daylight, no less. But there is a spot of good news in all this mayhem: We may have found a weakness.
These are bear soldiers; and while they're young, they know what they should and should not do. Breaking into the home of one as brave and true as Holden in the middle of the day? That's a definite no-no. Holden told KABC News, "I've had lot of other encounters with them (bears). I've actually had them bump into me a couple times in the backyard, but definitely never in the house like that."
He's bumped into them, people! Just like you may bump into an old high school friend at the market. Holden is no slouch. He knows what this war is all about. But the bears couldn't resist themselves. They had to risk everything they have worked so hard for all these years for one thing. One thing that is so delicious, so enticing, so enchanting that they cannot stop themselves: Kentucky Fried Chicken.
KFC may have just changed this war and changed it for the better for all humankind. More tests need to be run, but I'm thinking the colonel's 11 secret herbs and spices may be our secret weapon in the Bearpocalypse.