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SALT LAKE CITY — Recently, we read an interesting article in Slate Magazine that asked which political candidates would do best if presented in different situations. We loved it so much, we copied the idea and agreed on a set of questions. You can read the results below.
Who would you rather take on a road trip to see the annular eclipse?
Alex: You might be tempted to quickly dismiss the ability of Mitt taking you on a road trip without strapping you to the top of his car considering his sordid history with Seamus the Irish Setter. On this front though, consider where you are going. President Obama's space policy (yes, you have to have a space policy) has taken a lot of heat since the decision to cancel the Constellation program, its Ares 1 and Ares V rockets, and the Orion spacecraft operations in the future. It goes without saying that things would get awkward fast with the President when you guys chat it up on the 4-hour journey to Kanarraville in your family van to stare at the moon that he refuses to send astronauts to. Especially since he obviously hates space, space travel and I can only assume, Star Wars. Romney's space policy (yes, he has one too) isn't very aggressive but he does have the backing of Gene Cernan, the last man to walk on the moon, as well as the first space shuttle pilot, Bob Crippen, and former NASA administrator Mike Griffin. Ethan: I drove to see the eclipse this year and I learned a few things. The biggest lesson is that it is entirely possible to be stuck in a giant traffic jam at one in the morning in the middle of nowhere. Imagine some jerk trying to take out his frustrations on you with a bit of road rage. Now imagine the look on his face when he discovers he's waving his tire iron at the Secret Service. No one travels as well as POTUS.
At whose house would you rather trick or treat?
Alex: President Obama, hands down. While the first lady might actually try to shove some raisins and/or apple slices in your pillow case and guilt you for being a couple of pounds overweight, the President has a stash of smoke salt caramels always on his desk, on Air Force One and in the Oval Office. He also shares a personal love of mine, handmade milk chocolates from Fran's Chocolates in Seattle. Mitt Romney's neighborhood would most assuredly be the kind to have the fabled king-sized candy bars, but this is a man who once listed "water" as one of his favorite foods.
Ethan: Look, here's how you trick or treat. You find someone who can afford good candy, but who is also insecure enough to really be generous with it. Find someone who really wants to be liked. Trick or Treat at Governor Herbert's house.
Which candidate would you trust with the responsibility of giving your kids "the talk?"
Alex: This is a trick question and the answer is Ann Romney. After Mitt tries three or four times to start up the conversation with your little ones, he uses a metaphor involving Bain Capital, balks, then tries to shake your kid's hands before passing it off to his wife who has had to sign the waiver for all five Romney kids to watch the awkward "Growing Up" videos and has handled it all before. President Obama was going to deliver "the talk" in fine fashion but there wasn't enough room in your pre-teen's room for the teleprompter. Ethan: I think this is where it's important to understand how each of your children needs a message tailored to them. For my sons, I might pick someone who can seem very sincere and empathetic. Mayor Becker would fit that bill with the added advantage with the Mayor; my sons are guaranteed to not get very interested in the subject. He's not a "candidate" right now so I guess he's out. For my daughter, I choose Gayle Ruzicka. I don't care that she's not a candidate.
Which Candidate would you prefer to explain to your grandma on the finer points of iPad use?
Ethan: Well since this week AARP named [recent candidate] Jon Huntsman Jr. one of the sexiest men over 50, I'd do her a favor and send him. Does he know how to use an iPad? She won't care as long as he brings his keyboard.
Alex: In an article written for the Deseret News by Bob Bennett earlier this year, Bennett said "November's election will be the most technologically driven one in our history. A candidate who relies on oratory alone would lose it." A gross understatement but a valid one as each candidate has a Head of Technology running their respective social media campaigns. The President seems to have the edge in this category but he is also the owner of a Blackberry, so... take what you will from that. Mitt Romney might actually win here as he is a confirmed iPad user, viewing primary results in March along with his wife on the device at a rally, he is known to even catch a movie or two in transit between events. All things considered, the answer is obvious; Grandma will ask your six-year-old for the proper use of the device.
**Who would you want on your company softball team?**Alex: Mitt Romney hasn't quite shown us his athletic abilities thus far, so treating this just like I would on the playground picking players for teams, I'd have to take President Obama. This is a guy who has a decent golf swing (he plays nearly every Sunday), put a basketball court at the White House (which he actually uses) and Barack Obama High School (charter school in New Jersey) has a championship softball team, sort of. Romney might be able to persuade me to pick him first if his sons come as a package deal.
Ethan: I have to agree with Alex on this. President Obama is the most athletic President since Millard Fillmore would shut down the Federal Government for impromptu but mandatory tournaments of shirts and whigs.
With which power couple would you rather double-date?
Alex: The Romney's seem like the obvious choice here. We share similar beliefs and interests and they would be able to dispense wisdom from the 36 years of marriage that they have endured. Mitt would be the type to pick up the tab and even give some life advice that I could use for my relatively young marriage with young children. As I type this I realize that I have just described for you a terribly boring date with my own parents. I love them dearly, but as a social dinner I would prefer not to have to hear about how I need to go back to school to get a Master's degree. The Obama's win by default. Although, the First Lady would not be happy with my choice of Chili's fajitas as an entrée (900 Calories). Ethan: There is only one real power couple in Utah politics: Congressman Rob Bishop and his hair. Congressman Bishop is a casual guy, but his hair really prefers something more elegant. The Congressman is well known for his wit, but not many understand how flirtatious his hair can be.
