The Deeper Struggle, Part 1

**Part One in a series**Listen Thursday at 5:20am, 7:20am, and 12:20pm

KSL Newsradio's Marc Giauque reporting

At the very least, nearly all sides say it begins as a life of conflict: Balancing same-sex attraction with faith in a religion where acting out is seen as sin, or even an outright abomination.

For some, the struggle ends in suicide. Others leave their church. But some stay, either choosing to live a double life, to remain celibate, or to try to change their orientation.

It involves thousands, by some estimates tens of thousands in Utah.

"My earliest recollections of having same gender attractions go back maybe as early as first or second grade," says one man who spoke to KSL about his attractions.

"It's not easy growing up gay, and Mormon," says another. "Unfortunately, there are a lot of kids who'd rather kill themselves than deal with it, because they're told they're human wreckage."

These are men who for years have dealt with a conflict, between their attractions, and their strong religious beliefs. One left his church. Another has been married to a woman for two-decades, has several children and is "managing" his same gender attraction.

Another, Clay Essig, is celibate and actively involved in his congregation.

"I hope to one day find a wonderful man with whom I can serve God, with whom I can have children either through adoption or a surrogate parent and together we can raise children in the gospel," he says.

All three men have experienced what's called reparative or re-orientation therapy. It's a controversial belief that people can, in effect, change their orientation. Some say Utah is one of the most reparative therapy-oriented states in the country.

"Absolutely, one can change one's sexual identity," says David Prudenm executive director of Evergreen International, a group founded to help members of the LDS Church deal with issues of same-sex attraction.

Pruden, like others who support reparative therapy, doesn't believe people are born gay. "The process of how someone might have come to deal with same-sex attraction in their lives is complex, and since the ideology is different, the way you might treat that would be different," he says.

Supporters of the approach rely a lot on the work of Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, founder of the National Association of Research and Therapy of Homosexuality. It also relies heavily on faith.

"When you think of the 12 steps, six of them apply to a higher power," says social worker Jim Lewis, who does not like the term reparative therapy. "It's not uncommon that some of the therapies that have been around for a long time apply a spiritual aspect to things.

"Because it indicates somebody is broken or that I'm here to fix people," he says.

But Lewis says for him that's not what his work is about. "It's really teaching the men how to manage their feelings and their lifestyle differently," he says.

Lewis believes he can offer help to people who want it. "Some people are able to manage same gender attraction differently and live a more heterosexual lifestyle," he says.

But many in Lewis' profession strongly disagree with the approach, saying it does much more harm than good.

"You've got to be true to who you are," says Midvale social worker Patricia Godwin. "If you're not in congruence, inside and outside, there's some decent denial that's going on so you need to be careful with that."

Godwin believes there's no need to fix something that isn't broken - an attraction between consenting, loving adults. Neither the American Psychiatric Association nor the National Association of Social Workers endorses the practice. In fact, Lewis says some have hinted at challenging the licenses of those who practice reparative therapy.

Friday, individual stories from some who say they're success stories from reparative therapy, and others who say it doesn't work, and drives many to suicide.

Listen Friday at 5:20, 7:20, and 12:20 for Part 2 of The Deeper Struggle

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