Estimated read time: 3-4 minutes
This archived news story is available only for your personal, non-commercial use. Information in the story may be outdated or superseded by additional information. Reading or replaying the story in its archived form does not constitute a republication of the story.
A former inmate of a Nazi concentration camp was visiting a friend who shared the ordeal with him. "Have you forgiven the Nazis?" he asked his friend.
"Yes."
"Well, I haven't. I'm still consumed with hatred for them," he declared.
"In that case," said his friend gently, "they still have you in prison."
Ultimately, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Bitterness and anger imprison you emotionally. Forgiveness sets you free. That doesn't mean that it is easy but there are some suggestions on how to learn to forgive more easily.
1. Practice on small hurts
When you come across rude clerks, crazy drivers, professionals who keep you waiting for an appointment, or your spouse's mistakes practice the spirit of forgiveness. Although these infractions may be small, practicing on them will bring big progress in learning to forgive.
2. Challenge the "shoulda, woulda, coulda" in your thinking
"She should have known better" or "He could have said it nicer" really don't help you forgive the person. Presuming that you know someone's abilities and knowledge is a dangerous habit. In your pursuit to forgive, it really doesn't matter WHY the person acted the way they did. Forgiveness is more about you than about them.
3. Pay attention to the stories you tell
Is your story one of the villain and the victim? "He is so evil and I was so hurt." Feeling hurt doesn't dismiss the need to forgive and it will be hard to forgive if your story is based solely on your hurt. In a marriage relationship, stop and think about the whole story and see what part of the problem you may have been. Accept responsibility for your part.
4. Humanize the person who offended you
Ask yourself the question, "Why would a loving, decent, caring person do such a thing?" This question that I call the Loving Question humanizes the person who has offended you. The Loving Question also helps you interpret more positively his/her actions. It will help you to more quickly remember that we are all human and we all have faults and weaknesses.
5. Weigh the costs
"Holding a grudge takes mental, emotional, and physical energy. It makes you obsessive, angry, and depressed," observes Barry Lubetkin, a psychologist and director of the Institute for Behavior Therapy in New York City. "There's a strong connection between anger and a wide spectrum of health miseries - chronic stomach upset, heart problems, and skin conditions among the. Without question, the more anger we experience within, the more stress we are under," he adds. When a hostile or hateful thought enters you mind, try to be aware of the harm that resentment can cause. Let that knowledge further motivate you to forgive. Forgiving someone is not only for their sake, but also for your well-being.
Click Here to learn more about Matt.
Click Here to learn more about strengthening relationships.
