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"Motherrrrrrrr!"
Every woman knows the word packs more baggage than a group of fashionistas on a weeklong trip.
Affection. Frustration. Admiration. Resentment. They're all there in the syllables.
Linguist Deborah Tannen calls the relationship between mothers and daughters "one of the most passionate of women's lives, the source of the deepest love and also the deepest anger. . . ."
So many women agree that they've made her new book, "You're Wearing THAT? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation" (Random House, $24.95), a New York Times best-seller.
Tannen is a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University whose previous books include "Talking From 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work" and "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation."
Her new book is based on interviews with many mothers and grown daughters about what they say and what they mean. In many cases, she's analyzed tape-recorded conversations.
The book resulted from the feedback from "I Only Say This Because I Love You," a book about child-parent and sibling-sibling conversations among adults. Of all the possible relationships, the one that drew the most interest was mother-daughter, she says.
Tannen, 60, is a daughter but not a mother. Her own mother died while she was working on this book. She dedicates it to her mother's memory.
Q: I love this quote on Page 39 --- "A mother's gaze is like a magnifying glass held between the sun's rays and kindling. It concentrates the rays of imperfection on the kindling of her daughter's yearning for approval. The result is a conflagration." Why does a mother's opinion matter so much to a daughter?
A: It's quite amazing. Maybe because your mother has been there from the very beginning, and in a way, we're always a child in relation to our mother. She's the touchstone. She's the reference point. There may be another boyfriend, but you're never going to get a different mother.
Q: You say mothers and daughters engage in "troubles" talk, going over the irritations of ordinary life. And yet, when one is having a medical test, or a marriage is on the rocks, often a daughter or a mother will try to keep the other in the dark as long as possible. Why is that?
A: Because of fear of worrying her. If you are close to somebody and something bad happens to you, she feels bad about it. That definitely keeps daughters, and sometimes mothers, from telling each other about major problems. I think that's related to the general phenomenon that I talk about, that mothers and daughters sometimes feel they ground each other's emotions. Whatever the other feels, they feel.
Q: You mention that Grimm's fairy tales often substituted stepmothers for mothers in folk stories. That's part of the romanticization of motherhood. Would you talk a little about that?
A: It's definitely common in our culture to only glorify mothers. That makes women feel isolated. They know their mother is not perfect. There are times when their mother makes them feel bad --- not attractive enough, not successful enough, too successful. The same is true for the mothers. Mothers sometimes feel murderous rage toward their kids. If it's never talked about, they feel like they're monsters because every other mother is perfect.
Q: You include a chapter about new technology such as instant messaging and e-mail. How is that changing communication between mothers and daughters?
A: I've been astounded by how frequently my women students at Georgetown communicate with their mothers. When I was an undergraduate, if we talked to our parents once a week, that was a lot. These kids are in touch every day by e-mail, instant messaging, cellphone. It's not intrusive the way it would be if you had to go and find a phone 10 times a day. You're getting a quick message while you're doing something else at your computer.
One thing people tell me is that they love to talk about the insignificant details. Where did you go? Who did you meet? Women get frustrated when the men in their lives don't want to discuss those things. Mothers and daughters will do that.
Q: How do women's relationships with their own mothers change when they become mothers?
A: The relationship can either get a lot better or a lot worse. A mother and daughter can now bond over something outside themselves. Both love the grandchildren. They can exult in a child's growth and success. That can be really positive.
It can also be a negative. If a daughter perceives that a mother disapproves of her parenting, that can be a point of contention.
Q: What's the next relationship you're exploring?
A: I'm thinking of writing a book abour my father and his relationship to me.
WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU: Tell us about memorable conversations with Mom --- the funniest, most poignant, most meaningful or just most characteristic moments of mother-daughter talk. Please include a telephone number. E-mail gwhite@ajc.com.
Copyright 2006 The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
