Estimated read time: 5-6 minutes
This archived news story is available only for your personal, non-commercial use. Information in the story may be outdated or superseded by additional information. Reading or replaying the story in its archived form does not constitute a republication of the story.
SALT LAKE CITY — Being a stay-at-home dad has its perks: lightsaber duels; Sesame Street sing-a-longs with Elmo, will.i.am and Norah Jones; potty-training triumphs; countless hours at the local library; Eskimo kisses; science fair projects and naps.
It also leads to some interesting moments of observation.
- Observation No. 1: Male privilege is alive and wellI’m not talking about the fact that men don’t have to shave their legs, and are over-represented in Congress and board rooms by virtue of their gender — notwithstanding the accuracy. I’m referring to the privilege of being viewed as the greatest dad ever simply because a father takes his child to the park. Over the past 11 years, innumerable mothers have had a seeming compulsion to tell me what an amazing daddy I am because I have transported my progeny to the public swing set. After the initial fawning ends, I explain that I am merely a stay-at-home parent and it’s par for the course. This, of course, leads to a slew of questions: Do I cook, clean the toilets, wash the laundry, grocery shop, etc.? When I respond in the affirmative, I stereotypically get the “what a wonderful husband," and I think to myself: “When was the last time I heard a guy say his wife was the ‘greatest’ because she clips cough syrup coupons and can French braid?” I enjoy having my ego stroked as much as the next fellow, but how many of these women give themselves the same kudos? This double standard in parenting is unfortunate because it continues the misogynistic mindset that has plagued us for centuries. You know what I’m talking about: Assertive men follow through to close the deal. Women doing likewise are pushy you-know-what’s who don’t know when to quit, and the classic: Boys will be boys, sowing their wild oats, while the girls, who bear the harvest, are nicknames not fit for a family-friendly opinion piece. Doubly regrettable is the fact that the two sets of rules cultivate more pressure for women to be the unattainable hyper-nurturer outlined on the mommy blogs to which so many subscribe.
- Observation No. 2: Parental roles are being shaped by media in not-so-subtle waysHave you picked up a Parents or Family Fun magazine recently? If so, you’ve likely noticed all the advertising for beauty/body care and feminine hygiene products. With each turn of the page, I look for the Gillette or Michelin ad, but it’s never there. I know some will say, “Of course there are no ads targeting men in Parents or Family Fun magazine. Those are women’s magazines.” This is precisely my point. Where are the men’s magazines that tell dad how to make 30-minute meals that the kids will love? Where are the articles that tell a father how to talk to his son about the birds and the bees? Why is it that only moms need to read abstracts about bullying, flame-retardant sleepwear and the symptoms of food allergies? There’s a periodical entitled Working Mother but I can’t seem to find a copy of Dad’s Other Full-Time Job. At the launch of the “choosy moms choose Jif” ad-campaign, I’m confident the corporate marketing honchos weren’t implying that demanding dads choose Skippy. What I heard was a more subtle implication that moms need to be more painstaking in determining which roasted peanuts and hydrogenated vegetable oils go into the PB&J (emphasis on the painstaking). Of course, dads got added into the campaign eventually, but the damage was done. Put another tally in the ‘moms-are-expected-to-do-the-work’ column. I’m not saying that if General Mills decided to run advertisements in Sports Illustrated, fathers would suddenly think more about how much corn syrup is in a Fruit Roll-Up or that it would even take the burden off moms to assume, but wouldn’t that be refreshing? I’ve discussed this before, with men and women, and typically hear the line that the “media is just reflecting the popular culture," which corroborates my argument: Men have a distinct advantage culturally in that the expectations for parenthood depend on whether you have a Y chromosome or not.
I know most fathers love their children indescribably. It’s demonstrated in the hours they spend working to provide the necessities as well as all those extras they didn’t have when they were kids. It’s the hours spent at the kitchen table assisting with algebra, coaching Little League and lightsaber duels.Sometimes I wonder why dads seem to get bonus points for doing what moms do without a second thought. It seems as though mothers are simultaneously responsible for saving humankind, and if they fail, destroying it. That’s a lot of pressure.
It takes two human beings to create a life. It makes sense that that parity should exist in the nurturing of one as well. It truly is a privilege to be a parent regardless of the chromosomes.
Next time while you’re in the pediatrician’s waiting room, count how many dads are pictured in “women’s magazines” playing on the beach or playing catch with a youngster. Then count how men many are depicted holding a sick child, kissing an ouchie or sitting by the potty with a reluctant toddler and you’ll see a different kind of privilege.
It’s the male advantage I’m unfairly afforded when I play with my kids on the monkey bars and am unconsciously told by a woman that I rank above the mothers at the playground. This father knows best: it takes more than simply playing to make a parent great.
If you don’t believe me, just ask your mom.
-----
David Young is a stay-at-home dad. He enjoys spending time at the playground with his children, is partial to zip lines and monkey bars, and wishes there were more parks with duck-feeding ponds.
