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Research shows that married men do less work around the house than live-in boyfriends. Generally, it seems that marriage creates a traditionalizing affect on us where we start to live roles as husbands and wives where men end up doing significantly less work at home than live-in boyfriends. Even in apparently equal marriages, men tend to defer to women to clean.
Women get frustrated if men don't help around the house. Men get frustrated if they are always blamed for the mess. You have to learn to adapt to each other and accept your differences. This is one area where couples tend to look at what their partner does wrong rather than what their partner does right. Don't let housework become an issue that pulls you apart from each other. Use these suggestions to overcome cleaning contention.
1. Don't assume that just because your partner doesn't help, he doesn't care. Some guys just don't see what needs to be done and some didn't learn it from role models. Be cautious of making your partner feel like they can't do anything right. This will quickly lead to withdrawal and lack of interest.
2. Manage your expectations. We all come from different backgrounds which creates different assumptions. Have a conversation about your expectations and discuss what you each think is important and which jobs you want to do.
3. If you need him to do something, get his attention. Get eye contact and actually say, "Can you help me." Don't assume that he knows what needs to be done just because he smells a dirty diaper. Say what you need. Sometimes you may think that you shouldn't need to say it, "If you loved me, you'd just do it without me asking you." This thought process carries a lot of faulty assumptions. It assumes first of all, that he knows what needs to be done, secondly, that he knows you want him to do it and third, that he doesn't love you. Instead of coming to a negative conclusion, just ask for what you want.
4. Give your partner a choice. Men want a choice of what they do, how they do it and even when they do it. If you have chores that need to be done, give him a list and tell him, "Hey, I have seven things that need to be done today. Would you please choose three of them and get them done by noon so that I can relax with you?" Leave him the choice about how he will help you.
5. When you see that he does something well, point it out and praise him. Show him your appreciation.
Tip for the guys:
Do more. If your partner is complaining to you about the amount of work around the house then you need to do something. It isn't enough just to say that you will do more. You have to actually do it. At the very least, you need to talk about it. Do not let housework chores become a major source of contention. There are bigger problems to deal with.
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