Estimated read time: 4-5 minutes
SALT LAKE CITY — It's a human fact of this human experience: there is probably someone in your life you can't stand. It might be personality or compatibility, but KSL Relationship Contributor Dr. Matt Townsend said that learning to be around someone you don't like is not about managing them, it's about deciding who you want to be when things are uncomfortable.
Dr. Townsend shared five things to think about when dealing with that difficult person.
"It's not about managing them, it's about deciding who you wanna be when things are uncomfortable," he explained.
While most people try to control difficult people or avoid them entirely, Dr. Townsend said a better approach can actually lead to personal growth.
"It's not a tell about them as much as it is about you," he said.
When someone is consistently irritating to you, they're usually exposing something deeper about yourself. When we stop analyzing them, we can start to understand why their behavior affects us so strongly.
"We're gonna just start to use this feeling, this tension, and we're gonna turn it into something really powerful," Dr. Townsend said.
Your Triggers Are Your Teacher
Dr. Townsend emphasized that difficult people often reveal our own unresolved issues.
"What they're exposing in you is a weakness, a spot," he said. "There's something that this person keeps pushing on, a bruise they push on."
Instead of seeing those moments only as negative, he said your trigger is actually the teacher. Every emotional reaction is an opportunity to learn something about yourself.
"Whenever you get triggered in anything in life, that's the invitation to step up and do something about it," he explained. "No one can push your button if you don't have a button to push."
Over time, we develop emotional triggers based on our past experiences, fears and insecurities. We can't stop everyone from pusing those buttons. We have to learn how to deactivate them.
"We've all kinda grown up and picked up a bunch of buttons," Dr. Townsend said. "We don't know how to turn them off."
We grow when we stop focusing on who pushed the button and start looking at why it exists.
Remember That Hurt People Hurt People
Dr. Townsend said not to assume that someone's behavior is entirely about you. Consider what they may be carrying themselves.
"Assume that they're not hurting us because of us, they're hurting us because they're hurting," he said.
He suggested asking questions like: "What would make somebody act like this? What's a fear that they might have? What's a… part of their life do I not quite understand yet?" These types of questions help you find empathy for the other person. Understanding them doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it can help you be less reactive.
Don't Give Them Free Rent In Your Head
Dr. Townsend said the biggest cost of difficult relationships is the amount of mental energy they consume.
"They got free rent," Dr. Townsend said. "That rent in your head is the most valuable rent on earth."
Worrying about future experiences or reliving past ones steals your time and emotional bandwidth.
"It's time you're not gonna get back," he said.
Realizing how much space someone occupies in your mind can be the first step toward reclaiming it.
When you do encounter a difficult moment and need to think about it, worry or process your emotions, Dr. Townsend said to set a limit. After that, let it go.
"I'm gonna let this stranger that's now living in my head hang out with me, but only for two minutes," he said. "We're just gonna let it go, and we're gonna go put our mind on something else."
Decide Before You Walk In The Room
When you know you're headed into difficult interaction, Dr. Townsend said to shift your focus inward. Instead of obsessing over what the other person might do, think about how you want to respond.
"What's one thing I can do to better prepare myself to handle this?" he suggested asking. "Decide that before you ever step into a room or into a conversation."
Dr. Townsend emphasized that difficult people give us an opportunity to strengthen our own character.
"Whatever your response is to this person is what you become," he explained.
Don't avoid the challenge. Dr. Townsend said to intentionally choose qualities you'd like to practice.
"I like to identify three things I want out of this experience," he said. "More character, more consideration, more fun and humor... If I do that, then I come out changed."
Your Response Is How You Become Your Highest Self
Dr. Townsend emphasized that the lesson isn't really about the difficult person at all. If one difficult person disappears, another will eventually take their place. The real goal is to become less easily triggered and more emotionally resilient.
"Then you're actually growing, then you're healthy," he explained.
In that sense, difficult people can be some of life's most effective teachers because of what they reveal about us.
Find more advice from Dr. Matt Townsend at matttownsend.com.
This story was adapted from a TV broadcast script using artificial intelligence. Every story, including those adapted with AI, is reviewed by a human editor before publication to ensure that KSL's editorial standards are upheld.
