THE ARCHIVES — I'd like to show you this video from 2013 and give you a warning. This video may look adorable, but it's a dangerous omen of things to come.
Back in 2013, this video, which not many have seen, was shot of what appears to be a delightful bear playing tetherball. This is a ruse. I'd like to introduce you all to George Ursidavius, the tether bear.
George had a plan and it completely terrifies me. George is just another soldier for the bad guys in the ongoing and ultra-covert bear/human conflict. George's plan was to practice tetherball to the point of being unstoppable. He would then crash onto the highly intense and sordid world of competitive tetherball and win the grand world championship.
From there, he would use his celebrity to win the hearts of humans the world over, write a book, do a speaking tour and eventually run for president. Then he would rule America with an iron paw and fill his cabinet with all kinds of bears and force humans into zoos across the country.
This video from 2013 was step one of his nefarious plan: learn to play tetherball. George became an expert at the game after hours and hours of brutal training and intense focus. In late 2016, George attended the world tetherball games in Sydney but thankfully suffered a close loss to the underdog, Mitch, I'm not sure of his last name.
Yesterday's Have You Seen This?
This would seem like a win for the human race, but unfortunately losing was great news for George. He had won the hearts of many, and his loss became a heartwarming story of overcoming adversity. It is now being made into a film titled, "Bear Down: The Incredible True Story of George Ursidavius, the Tether Bear."
The film will star George as himself and Zooey Deschanel as his quirky yet supportive love interest.
Watch this video and be warned of George and the rest of the bear resistance. It's only through education and sticking together that we can stop the Bearpocalypse.