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BLOOMINGTON, Ill. (AP) — Sometimes, being a caregiver to a loved one with cancer feels like the world is spinning without you.
"Everything is going on around you," observed Mike Fitzgerald, 44, who was caregiver to his wife, Elaine, who had squamous cell carcinoma, a form of skin cancer.
"The world is spinning and you are stuck in this nightmare," Mike explained. He paused and took a sip from a coffee mug with the name "Elaine" on it.
Elaine died on Dec. 2, 2014, at age 39.
"It seems like the world is going on around you but you just don't know if you're going to get another day," said Stephanie Moore, 38, who was caregiver to her husband, Noah, who had colon cancer. She wiped tears from her eyes.
Noah died on Nov. 12, 2014, at age 32.
Stephanie and Mike, sitting beside each other, joined hands as they continued to look forward, with their children surrounding them. It was a beautiful, quiet evening on June 7 in the backyard of their Bloomington home.
After their spouses died, Mike and Stephanie, who didn't know each other, separately began to attend a Grief Share group at Eastview Christian Church.
Commiserating over lack of sleep and single parenting turned into a mutual respect, then a friendship among the two families and love between Mike and Stephanie.
"We realized that this connection we had was a gift resulting from tragedy," Mike said.
They married April 30, 2016, with their children — Sophie Fitzgerald, 14; Kayla Fitzgerald, 11; Ethan Moore, 11; and Eli Moore, 7 — surrounding them.
"I will never replace Elaine and Mike won't replace Noah," Stephanie said. "Even though there are six of us, we consider ourselves a family of eight.
"Noah and Elaine are with us all the time," Stephanie continued. "Not a day goes by when we don't talk about them."
Noah, Stephanie, Ethan and Eli lived in Danvers. Noah was a senior technician with Illinois Eye-Bank, now Eversight Illinois, in Bloomington. Stephanie is a respiratory therapist at Advocate BroMenn Medical Center.
"He was one of the most giving people you'd ever want to meet," Stephanie said of Noah. He was a volunteer firefighter, a member of the Lions Club and a Boy Scout troop leader who loved the outdoors.
"We went fishing, hiking, hunting and camping," Ethan said. "He was a very good dad."
In November 2013, Noah began experiencing constipation and pain. Within the month, he was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer.
"His reaction was 'All right, I got this. God's got this,'" Stephanie recalled. "But I was scared."
The tumor was cutting off blood flow to one side of his liver. Chemotherapy was followed by two surgeries that resulted in removal of the bad part of his liver.
Complications resulted in liver failure. Scans found that the cancer was in his colon, liver, lungs and back.
Stephanie took time off from work to be Noah's caregiver.
"I was with him all the time," she said. "I did everything for him. I bathed him, changed him, gave him his meds and everything he needed. There really was no time for anything else. He was my husband. That's what I was supposed to do.
"He never complained." He told Stephanie that after he died, he wanted her to find someone else.
"It was very emotional," Ethan said.
Sometimes, Ethan and Eli stayed with relatives and friends. "We tried to keep their lives as normal as possible," Stephanie said. "We got a lot of support."
After Noah died, "the next few months were a blur," Stephanie admitted.
"I returned to work after Christmas (2014) but I was raising two boys on my own."
Elaine, Mike, Sophie and Kayla lived in Bloomington. Elaine was a social worker who assisted with patient discharge planning at OSF St. Joseph Medical Center. Mike works in claims at Country Financial.
"Elaine was very animated and always had a big smile," Mike said.
"She was very funny, dedicated to her work, caring and kind," Sophie said.
In early 2013, she detected what she thought was a canker sore on her tongue. A March 2013 biopsy resulted in a diagnosis of squamous cell carcinoma.
Despite three surgeries, cancer remained, so radiation and chemotherapy followed.
"The radiation burned her tongue so she couldn't eat, couldn't talk and could hardly drink," Mike recalled. "She was in a lot of pain."
For a while, she improved and went back to work. But neck pain resulted in a July 2014 surgery that included removal of a tumor in her neck. Her vocal cords were damaged so she couldn't swallow or speak.
"It was very hands-on," Mike recalled. "I dressed her wounds, administered pain meds, made sure she was getting proper nutrition through her feeding tube. I took time off work.
"It's something you do for your loved one," he said. "It's a lot of sleepless nights, holding hands, trying to be that emotional support and relying on family and friends to help out. It's an all-encompassing endeavor."
"I was nervous and scared," Sophie said.
More cancer was detected in October. Elaine died in December. The next few weeks were surreal for Mike.
Mike and Stephanie didn't know each other but each heard about the Grief Share group at Eastview.
"I needed to talk with someone who went through what I went through," Stephanie recalled.
Mike said, "It was a good thing to do. It was reassuring."
Mike and Stephanie connected almost immediately because they were close in age, had been caregivers to spouses who died of cancer at about the same time and were trying to raise children of the opposite sex.
They discussed their grief, not being able to sleep, going to counseling and parenting.
"I didn't feel so alone," Stephanie said. "We found comfort in each other."
They got together for coffee, found they had a lot in common and organized family get-togethers. "The kids seemed to have a fun time," Stephanie recalled.
Both families discovered that they share a love of the outdoors, have similar temperaments and cherish relatives, friends and faith.
"We realized we had a unique relationship," Stephanie said.
"A friendship blossomed and became more than a friendship," Mike said.
They bought a house together and married on April 30.
"Blending the two families has been a lot easier than we thought," Stephanie said.
"I like having more siblings. And I couldn't do anything without a mother figure because dad doesn't know anything about girls," Sophie said with a smile.
"It's been easier than I thought," Ethan said.
"We don't have a guide book for this," Stephanie said. "We are trying to make everyone as comfortable and loved as we can."
The family is participating in the 22nd annual American Cancer Society Relay For Life of McLean County on June 24-25 at the Normal Community High School track.
"Noah and Elaine were positive people and always wanted to give back to the community," Stephanie said. "We wanted to continue that, while honoring them and raising money for research."
Long term, what is the family's goal?
Stephanie thought for a moment. "We want to continue our story and want it to show other people..."
"... that there is hope," Sophie said. Then she smiled.
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Source: The (Bloomington) Pantagraph, http://bit.ly/293OX6A
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Information from: The Pantagraph, http://www.pantagraph.com
This is an AP-Illinois Exchange story offered by The (Bloomington) Pantagraph.
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