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The excuse note from Momma is one of the underappreciated genres of modern American fiction. Just ask Frank McCourt.
Before he tumbled into fame and fortune with his best-selling memoir "Angela's Ashes," McCourt taught in New York City high schools, an experience that made him a connoisseur of the excuse note.
In his most recent book, "Teacher Man," McCourt recalls those fraudulent notes as "gems of fiction, fantasy, creativity . . . American high school writing at its best --- raw, real, urgent, brief, lying."
For example, why did a student fail to turn in her assignment? A note explains:
"A man died in the bathtub upstairs and it overflowed and messed up all Roberta's homework on the table."
Or my personal favorite, a marvel of compression with a plot, a villain, emotion, descriptive language and an intriguing mystery all crammed into a single run-on sentence:
"Her big brother got mad at her and threw her essay out the window and it flew away all over Staten Island which is not a good thing because people will read it and get the wrong impression unless they read the ending which explains everything."
Impressed by such natural storytelling talent, McCourt assigned his students to write an excuse note to God on behalf of Adam and Eve, explaining why they took a bite of the apple.
The response, from kids who had previously moaned and groaned about writing assignments, was wildly enthusiastic.
"The heads went down. Pens raced across paper. They could do this with one hand tied behind their backs. With their eyes closed. Secret smiles around the room. . . . "
The kids wanted more, so McCourt gave them more. Write an excuse note for Judas, he told them. Write one for Lee Harvey Oswald, for politicians.
Again the heads went down and the pens flew.
Ordinarily, masterpieces of the excuse-note-from-Momma genre are confined to the classroom, for obvious reasons. But last week, news emerged of an overlooked gem that would impress even McCourt. It was written not on behalf of a high school student, but for former Atlanta Mayor Bill Campbell.
During Campbell's recent trial on corruption and tax evasion charges, federal prosecutors stressed the fact that the mayor had spent large amounts of cash that had no legitimate source. But a note, purportedly written to Campbell by his mother more than two years ago, offered an explanation.
In the note, the elderly June Kay Campbell, a widow living in North Carolina on a fixed income, confessed to secretly giving Campbell large cash gifts said to total $20,000.
"My hands are weak and my body filled with disease," reads the note, dated four months before Mrs. Campbell died of cancer. It's a touch that an aficionado such as McCourt would surely treasure.
"I know that the evil and ruthless people that have tried to hurt you will never give up," the note reads. "But just like the KKK tried to hurt you when you integrated the schools, you will always rise above their hate and racism."
No one knows for sure whether the note is valid --- Mrs. Campbell's not around to vouch for its authenticity. But it's worth pointing out that after submitting the note as evidence, Campbell and his attorneys never dared to mention it to the jury. The letter came to light only when the prosecution raised it during the sentencing phase as evidence of Campbell's deception.
Of course, if the note had worked --- if the jury had seen it and there had been no schoolteacher on the panel to bust Campbell --- others might have adopted the tactic.
For example:
"Dear baseball fans: Please excuse the Braves from the playoffs this October. They have to visit their grandmothers, who live a long way from Turner Field, and they can't get back in time for the games that they would lose anyway.
Signed, Mrs. Schuerholz."
"Dear American People: Please excuse my Georgie for starting that crazy war in Iraq. He says he didn't know any better and he was put up to it by those older boys, that Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld. I told Georgie that crowd would get him in trouble, but the boy don't listen too good.
Yours, Barbara Bush"
"Dear FBI: Please return the $90,000 you found in my son William's freezer. It was left there by a nun who needs it to pay off her gambling debt and I told her it was safe with William because everyone knows you can trust a congressman.
Love, Mrs. Jefferson"
As an old philosopher once said, he who excuses himself accuses himself. > Jay Bookman is the deputy editorial page editor. His column appears Mondays and Thursdays. jbookman@ajc.com * * * A GREAT EXCUSE FOR A CONTEST
Want to write "The Great American Excuse" for yourself, or anyone else whose mistakes are in need of an artful dodge? Go online to www.ajc.com/blogs/content/shared-blogs/ajc/town-talk/ and give it your best shot. We'll post as many entries as possible and Bookman will announce a "winner" in his column a week from today. Keep responses short and clever and remember, a good excuse means never having to say you're sorry.
Copyright 2006 The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
