Estimated read time: 3-4 minutes
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Finding what works in marriage Best Practices
In all marriages there are problems and a need to find what works. We start out in marriage very high on love hormones with very low clarity about what is real. After a couple of years of marriage the chemistry fades and the clarity rises. This is called the Big Mate and Switch. After this chemical part of love starts to taper off that is when we have to up our game and start earning the love.
Our guest today is David Finch. He was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome around five years after he and Kristen got married. Life gives us twists that can complicate any relationship. The principles he teaches us can be used not only for people who struggle with a syndrome like Asperger's but also these principles can be used in all marriages. The keys he teaches can help us find a way to make life work.
David shares his story:
"It was my wife Kristen, a speech therapist who had worked with autistic children, who was most suspicious about my behavior. After we were married and living together, she started noticing little "things" about me that were consistent with Asperger Syndrome, a mild form of autism: impaired social reasoning; persistent, intense preoccupations with certain interests; unusual rituals and behaviors; and clinical-strength egocentricity. At that time, things were not going well between us. Though we had been best friends since high school, our relationship had been reduced to little more than delicate coexistence. We were both constantly feeling misunderstood, under-appreciated, and resentful towards each other. We didn't talk very much, because if we did, it usually led to arguments. We felt hopeless, sad, and confused, the way people do when they've lost their best friend."
It is hard enough finding ways to keep a marriage alive without having to also deal with other issues. Key learning that he shares: 1- I needed to be told what to do. 2- Pay attention to the present. 3- There is more than one way to love someone. 4- Remember love is a verb. 5- I studied romantic comedy to learn more about relationships. 6- Remember that I am a husband.
One of the good things about Asperger's is that it is compulsive and therefore, David was determined to find a way to make this work.
That right there is a great key to having a good relationship- having the determination to find what works and having the courage to change or to even recognize the need to change.
Kristen, his wife, did not see David through the eyes of diagnostics lenses. She viewed him as not caring. When they were given the diagnoses is when these two were able to see the problem and start making different choices. They were able to start creating a more loving and understand space.
This deeper understanding gives room to heal and allows them to become stronger people.
What are the rules that each of us need in our relationship to build a stronger bond?
Like David said: each one of us just needs to know how to use our neuroses to make a better life.
Become the change. We can rewire the brain and get out of the ruts or our negative patterns of behavior. As long as we are learning, growing and changing, we can have hope.
Dr. Matt Townsend
