Estimated read time: 4-5 minutes
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Hmm, let's see if we can read something into this.
Veteran best-selling novelist John Edward Marinville, titular head of Stephen King's latest TV opus, devotes his last breath to bellowing "I hate critics!"
OK, be that way. But hey, King Stephen, we're not the ones grinding this stuff out for the small screen. You are. And frankly, your fastball has long since faded to a batting practice pitch. That leaves ABC on the receiving end of Stephen King's "Desperation," a three-hour blend of mumbo jumbo and gore galore.
The time slot is far scarier - for the network and King at least. "Desperation" is going against the next-to-last edition of this season's "American Idol" and CBS' annual telecast of the Academy of Country Music Awards. As "Desperation's" creepiest character tells one of his prey, "You're in the house of the wolf and the scorpion. Don't you forget it."
King has a long history with ABC, and it used to be a lot more glorious. Miniseries such as "It," "The Stand" and "The Tommyknockers" were big-draw linchpins of various ratings "sweeps" periods. But that was then. "Desperation," ABC's first King attraction since 2004's "D.O.A. Kingdom Hospital," finds the famed horrormeister expelling little but exhaust. Instead of kicking into gear, "Desperation" ends up stuck in its own muck. Yuck.
There's one standout character, though. He's deputy sheriff Collie Entragian, played to riotous extremes by former "Beauty and the Beast" star Ron Perlman.
Collie, who's anything but a Lassie, makes his sinister presence known in the movie's opening minutes. The unfortunate victims are Mary and Peter Jackson (Annabeth Gish and Henry "ET" Thomas). They're heading down a long, lonesome Nevada highway toward Salt Lake City when Deputy Dog reels them in.
Well, well, looky here, it's a super-size bag of pot in the trunk. Wonder how that got there? Guess we're gonna have to haul you folks in while you also endure a volley of insults from the faltering pen of King, who wrote the teleplay. Still, it's kinda fun to hear Collie bark:
"Answer me, you smart aleck, Blue state, unisex swingles."
Or how about, "Shut your quacking, yuppie, pothead mouth."
And what's more, "I don't care if you're a Jew, a Hindu or Mr. Magoo."
Goo goo gajoob, they're hauled down to a decrepit "Desperation" jailhouse that already houses town coot Tom Billingsley (Charles Durning) and the Carver family - namely papa Ralph (Matt Frewer), mama Ellie (Sylva Kelegian) and cub David (Shane Haboucha).
Novelist Marinville (Tom Skerritt) is hauled in later. Meanwhile, his roadie, Steve Ames (Steven Weber), is following the boss around in an equipment truck. Lucky him, a knockout beauty with an attitude (Kelly Overton as Cynthia Smith) just happens to be hitchhiking in a form-fitting Bob Dylan T-shirt. What was it Dylan once said? Aw, never mind.
Meanwhile, back at the hoosegow, Deputy Collie is sizing up his next victim. Goes like this: "Eenie meenie, miney moe, catch a tourist by the toe," he says. "Don't you scream, don't you shout. Time has come to take you - OUT!"
Collie also has a nervous twitch and keeps saying "Tak" for no apparent reason. It's at about this time that "Desperation's" flimsy foundation starts cracking like an egg.
Kid David, wearing a Cleveland Indians shirt, turns out to be King's symbolic biblical David. He trusts firmly in God while faithless novelist Marinville keeps mocking him.
Corpses keep popping up, too. It's as though we're on a conveyor belt heading through an amusement park's computer-operated house of fright. See the lifeless lawman with pencils stuck in both eyes. Marvel at the dead man hanging from a slowly whirring fan. Check out the spiders and snakes holed up in various mutilated bodies.
Overton's Cynthia does a capable job of screaming. But frankly, most of these people don't seem to be nearly as terrified as they should be. Having read the script, maybe they just couldn't muster the effort.
"Desperation" ends up being muddled, pretentious and cheaply gruesome. Its crowd-pleasing Deputy Collie is dispatched way too early in the game, leaving us with a mush-mouthed, bogged-down tale capped by an over-the-top finale. Kid David again speaks in the name of God after novelist Marinville quizzically drops the names of Adam Sandler, Donald Rumsfeld and Ann Coulter.
Good Lord, somebody's working in really mysterious ways.
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STEPHEN KING'S DESPERATION
8 p.m. EDT Tuesday, ABC
Starring: Tom Skerritt, Steven Weber, Ron Perlman, Sylva Kelegian, Shane Haboucha, Kelly Overton, Matt Frewer, Charles Durning and Henry Thomas
Produced by: Mark Sennet, Mick Garris, Stephen King
Teleplay by: Stephen King
Running time: 3 hrs.
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(c) 2006, The Dallas Morning News. Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune News Service.
