Many marriages today are 'til debt do us part

If love is the tie that binds couples together, money is often the wrench that pries them apart.

Money conspires to antagonize couples. It sometimes invites divorce. And though finances have always raised tensions for couples, it may be harder than ever these days to avoid conflict.

That's because today's range of family complications -- moms leaving and re-entering the workforce, late marriages that bring debt and adult children, shrinking pensions and baffling health care choices -- are demanding ever-more financial decisions from couples who can't even agree on whether the house is warm or cold.

"Our lives are more complex, and it's made communications around money more complex," says Carol Anderson, president of Money Quotient, which provides tools for financial advisers. "There are more bad emotions around money."

Which financial issues most often cause strife? Spending too much and saving too little, according to couples who responded to a USA TODAY/CNN/Gallup Poll in March. (Many couples don't admit to financial troubles, though. More on that later.)

Making matters worse is that couples don't talk much about money before committing to each other. Nearly two-thirds of married couples who responded to USA TODAY's poll said they talked little or not at all before the wedding about how to combine their finances.

"It's the No.1 taboo topic," says Syble Solomon, a motivational speaker who created Money Habitudes, playing cards for planners and counselors to use in getting couples talking about money. "People will tell you about their intimate sexual lives before they'll tell you about their money."

Talking is just a start. Couples need help in planning for retirement, saving more and spending less, according to a survey the Financial Planning Association (FPA) conducted of its members in March and April for USA TODAY. (Of the 1,500 planners polled, 189 answered the survey.)

There's a big problem, though: The USA is a nation of spenders, not savers. The personal savings rate is negative, meaning Americans spend more than they earn. And the portion of disposable income going toward paying down debt -- including mortgage and credit card debt -- is near a record high. Households with at least one credit card carried an average of $9,498 in card debt in 2005, nearly twice the level of a decade ago, according to CardWeb.com.

Overspending is damaging

"Overspending is no different than being an alcoholic or drug addict" in its effect on a relationship, says Jan Dahlin Geiger, a financial planner in Atlanta. "What one person is doing could have a huge negative impact on the couple's finances."

In the worst-case scenario, overspending can cause an irreparable rift in a relationship. That's what happened with Ken Miner, 39, of Lenexa, Kan. Miner says his ex-wife's habit of "spending more than I made" helped lead to their divorce over a decade ago.

Part of the problem, he concedes, was the couple's lack of communication about money: "I was pretty enamored with the idea of being in love. At 23, finances weren't that important."

Many couples don't admit to having financial disagreements at all. Most of those polled by USA TODAY said they and their spouse or live-in partner were doing an "excellent" or "good" job with finances; 57% said they and their mates rarely disagree about money.

Yet the evidence suggests otherwise. Research scientist Jay Zagorsky tracked married couples born from 1957 to 1964 and found that money is consistently one of their top three topics for argument. Couples can't agree even on how much debt, income and assets they have, his research shows.

"Perception does not match reality," says Zagorsky, who works at Ohio State University's Center for Human Resource Research. "People don't want to admit they're doing terrible."

Money is a home wrecker

In the worst cases, money can be a home wrecker. In fact, two of the five couples USA TODAY originally chose to profile for this series split up a few weeks later. At least one partner within each couple said the breakup was due, in part, to the conflicts that ignited once they began to dig into their finances with the help of a financial planner. (USA TODAY chose two other couples to replace the ones who split up.)

A couple's efforts to gain control of household finances can be perilous work, with each partner tugging and pushing, like two people clinging to opposite sides of a raft. Fear of sinking can paralyze them.

That's why planners urge couples to recognize their specific challenges and tailor a plan to tackle them. This can help move a relationship closer to financial harmony.

Some of the issues that have complicated couples' finances in recent years, for better or worse:

*Marrying later. With later marriages, many people bring more assets and debt into a relationship. A result is "two very strong opinions" about managing money, with each partner having managed his or her own money for years, says Sheryl Garrett, editor of On the Road: Getting Married.

"If you wait until 30 to get married, you've been in a series of jobs, accumulated benefits, maybe 401(k) assets; you might even have a house," Garrett says. "It makes things more complicated."

The modern young couple looks something like Bryan and Marci Harman, who married in October. He was 32; she was 25. Now, they have three houses, four retirement plans and six bank accounts.

Each owned property before marriage. They're now trying to sell his former house and rent hers. Meantime, they've bought another house in Cincinnati, where they moved this year to be near her family and escape the steep cost of living in the Washington, D.C., area.

"The main concern for us is making sure that we have money every month" for the three mortgages, says Marci, who, by mutual agreement, takes charge of the joint finances. "That's added stress. Other than that, it's just trying to put together money for the future."

*Two-income families. The high number of households with both adults working has created "a vicious cycle of stress," says Bryan Clintsman, a financial planner in Southlake, Texas. "We tend to have a craving for more and more stuff. This creates more spending, which causes people to work harder."

As health care costs escalate and employers cut pensions -- shifting the burden of retirement saving onto employees -- couples face pressure to work harder and longer.

The tension between work and family life can bedevil two-income couples such as Thuy and Thai Nguyen, of Woodbridge, Va. The Nguyens are considering selling the family's beauty salon so Thuy can focus on their two kids, Dylan, 7, and Sydney, 3. But they're concerned about the consequences of only Thai working full time.

"I'm kind of worried about giving up the income," says Thuy, 36, who works at the salon five days a week, 10 hours a day. "But I want to spend time with the kids while they're young."

The two don't agree on everything. But they talk through financial decisions and agree in this case, because "the kids are the most important things" in our lives, says Thai, 39, a software engineer.

*Balancing financial control. With more women earning paychecks, more of them want joint control over money matters.

In 2004, wives earned more than their husbands in about one-fourth of dual-earner families, according to Census data. In 1981, that was true in only about one-sixth of two-income families.

The greater a woman's education level and earning potential, the more bargaining power she tends to have in household decisions -- including financial ones -- according to research expected to be released this year by economists Jennifer Ward-Batts of Claremont McKenna College in California and Shelly Lundberg of the University of Washington in Seattle.

It's still more common to have one person take the lead on finances. In the FPA poll, 75% of planners said men make the majority of the family's investment decisions. About one in five couples make these decisions jointly, the planners' survey showed.

The person who makes the investment decisions -- and thus controls the bulk of family assets -- tends to manage the couple's long-term financial goals. The other partner may take on short-term tasks, such as paying monthly bills. Nearly 60% of FPA planners say women tend to pay the bills.

In general, women know less about investing but make fewer mistakes, such as holding a stock for too long, when they do invest, according to 2004 research by Merrill Lynch Investment Managers. Men tend to enjoy investing more but are also more likely to invest without research.

When both spouses help make financial decisions, they're more likely to reach their goals, says Carrie Schwab Pomerantz, chief strategist for consumer education at Charles Schwab.

The couple may be able to attain better investment returns as well, according to Pomerantz, if one spouse is conservative with investments while the other takes risks, because, "You balance each other out."

*Non-traditional relationships. More unmarried couples, including same-sex partners, are setting up house. The number of unmarried couples living together shot up 72% from 1990 to 2000, to about 5.5 million, according to Census figures. Roughly one in nine of these households are unmarried same-sex partners. This has raised thorny issues about how to combine assets and divide them if the pair ever split up.

In most states, being part of an unwed couple gives you no specific right to inherit property from your partner. Nor do partners have a say in each other's medical care and financial affairs unless those wishes are spelled out in advance.

Mary Ware, 60, and Mary Frances Stuck, 56, addressed some of those issues through a domestic partnership agreement and wills. They also crafted medical powers of attorney -- giving each other the power to make medical decisions if one of them falls seriously ill.

They can't legally marry in their state, New York, though they've been together for 28 years.

"When you do planning, it really does frustrate you," says Ware, an associate dean at the State University of New York College at Cortland. "You find a way around most everything; there's just one more step."

*Divorce and remarriage. Couples who married in recent years have a 40% to 50% chance of divorcing or separating during their lifetime, according to the National Marriage Project, a research organization at Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey.

How often is money an issue in divorces? Nearly 40% of financial planners who have worked with divorcing couples say it's frequently a "key factor" in couples' decisions to split up, according to the FPA's survey.

"(Divorcing) couples can't agree on spending styles, earning capacities and what to spend money on," says Susan Pease Gadoua, a divorce therapist in San Rafael, Calif.

Most people who divorce end up marrying a second and sometimes a third time. Those couples bring assets from former relationships. And that complicates the issue of which assets are his, hers and theirs.

Couples who have been married before tend to be "more suspicious" of each other and are increasingly doing "marital due diligence" before the wedding, says Thea Glazer, a financial planner in San Diego. "They conduct background checks on each other to make sure there are no outstanding liens" that could hurt them financially later on.

Those who remarry are more likely to draft prenuptial agreements, spelling out who gets what in case of divorce. And planners say those couples tend to make financial compatibility a higher priority the second time around.

Both Ken Miner, whose first marriage ended in divorce, and his fiancee, Kris Prueter, 42, are savers. He says they have "complementary" financial habits -- she plans to handle the daily financial tasks, while he will take charge of investments -- and have discussed money extensively during their five-year courtship.

The couple plan to live together with two kids from her first marriage and one from his.

"Coming out of a marriage that was unsuccessful, it provided me with an opportunity to educate myself as to what I was looking for in a long-term partnership," Miner says. "Fiscal compatibility and financial responsibility were in the top five."

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