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Consider the mother-daughter relationship. It's a wellspring of comfort and love and at times a cauldron of anger and pain. And the words mothers and daughters use with each other can heal and wound with equal strength.
It's literally the "mother of all relationships," says Deborah Tannen, a Georgetown University linguistics professor, who examines the meaning behind those words in her new book, "You're Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation" (Random House, $24.95). Tannen wrote the book, which is on several best-seller lists, after the response to a chapter in "I Only Say This Because I Love You," her previous book on family relationships, that focused on mothers' relationships with their adult sons and daughters.
"It was just so obvious that everyone wanted to talk about the mother-daughter relationship," Tannen says. "I think it's because women really are struggling, because it's a very important relationship in your life."
Daughters - whether 5 or 45 - seek their moms' approval, she says. And moms - whether 25 or 65 - want to help their daughters. Often those desires collide, as daughters interpret their mothers' advice as criticism and mothers feel left out when daughters retreat as a result, Tannen says.
"Part of the reason (motherly advice) bugs us as daughters is because our mothers are so powerful in our lives. They loom like giants," Tannen says. "The reason mothers keep at it is because they're so powerless. They cannot get you to do what is so obvious to them you should do."
The book, which uses actual conversations between moms and adult daughters, details how many of their conflicts arise from "the Big Three topics" of hair, weight and clothes. Tannen then scratches below the surface, examining the meaning behind the messages and offering ways to improve communication and, in turn, relationships.
In the spirit of Tannen's book, we asked some women what their mothers or daughters said or did that set them on edge and then had Tannen give them the "You're Wearing That?" treatment. The examples, like those in her book, are universal:
Scenario: Mom thinks daughter's skirts ride too low on her waist. Daughter says, This is who I am, Mom.
Tannen: "I think it's fascinating that the daughter says This is who I am,' rather thanThis is how I like to wear it.' Isn't that a message there ... that, to the daughter, it's all about acceptance of who you are? The mother thinks (she's) just saying this would look better another way, you should do something differently, but daughters tend to hear it as a judgment on their character and their lives."
Advice to mom: "Talk to the girl about how she feels. Often when kids get mad at their mothers, it's because mothers are saying something they kind of suspected themselves."
Scenario: Mom loves daughter's naturally curly hair and chides her for using a blow-dryer to straighten it.
Tannen: "She thinks (the daughter) would look better letting her hair go curly, and maybe she's right. We have so many choices that the chances that any two people are going to agree that the same thing is the best choice is slim."
Advice to mom: "It's a textbook case of you've got to bite your tongue. ... If she didn't decide to do it differently the first 50 times you said it, she's not going to decide to do it differently on the 51st."
Scenario: While adult daughter is sleeping, mother enters the bedroom to talk about a chore the daughter didn't do.
Tannen: "Her mother thinks she should be up, I'm assuming," possibly because she doesn't approve that her daughter stays in bed that late or because she wants to interact with her. "If you're here, we should be talking. ... Now why she brings up a chore she should do ... It could be she feels she needs a reason to wake her up."
Advice to daughter: "Just be indulgent. `That's my mother. When she's gone, I'll miss it.' ... (or) tell her how it makes you feel and ask her not to do it for that reason."
Scenario: Daughter frets about her job to mom, who says "Oh, that happens everywhere," or "Be glad you have a job." Mom wants to look on the bright side, which the daughter cannot see.
Tannen: "There are two ways you can make someone feel good when they do troubles-talk." Say, "Oh, I know how you feel, it's terrible.' And the other is:Oh, it's not so bad.' You try to lift the person's spirits by showing them the bright side."
Advice to daughter: "One choice is (to say), that's my mother, I don't expect her to react any other way. If you keep hoping she'll react differently, you're going to keep getting frustrated. ... If it frustrates you too much, then don't do troubles-talk."
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(c) 2006, Chicago Tribune. Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune News Service.
