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BEARSVILLE — My absolute terror of bears is well documented. They scare me to death. I honestly just shuddered thinking about it. I constantly write "Have You Seen This" pieces on them in an effort to warn people of the inevitable Bearmageddon and to teach you to always be alert.
This latest video nearly killed me. I blacked out the first time I watched it, so it took awhile to see it all the way through.
A man was photographing some bears recently, and while he was snapping some pictures that are clearly more important than his life, a bear saunters up next to him and takes a seat. He takes in the view for a moment and eventually moves on.
It may seem innocent enough, but what you don't know is the internal monologue going through the bear's head. I have a sense for these things, so let me share.
Yesterday's Have You Seen This?
Here are the bear's inner thoughts:
"OK, Daryl, play it cool. Act like a friend, seem friendly. I know you want to eat him and his shiny picture taker, but play it cool. Fight the urge, gain his trust. He's filming you and if you attack, the whole world will see it at some point. So please: Play. It. Cool. Go ahead and yawn to let him know his head can fit in your mouth and sit. That's it, Daryl. Keep cool, I know your tum tum is rumbling but stay cool. Now get up and walk away. The human race will think we're laid back, and it'll make the Bearmageddon that much easier. Well played, Daryl. Well played."
That's right, bears talk in the third person. The cameraman was thinking, "I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm dead." That's it.
Keep in mind people, bears are conniving and plotting. Beware.
Also, when I saw all those other bears at the end of the video, I threw my hands up in the air and just walked out of the building. I can't do this. I just can't.